Sex with an abuser

I wouldn't say I was raped exactly. I had sex many times against my will however. One of the worst things that happened during my marriage was that my right to choose was taken away. My right to choose clothes. My right to choose friends. My right to choose who  and what I cared about. My right to choose when or if I had sex. He didnt physically hold me down, he didn't need to. The constant pressure, the constant badgering the constant guilt was more than enough. Daily.I felt the pressure constantly. I remember when he would leave for work I could breathe again, I still had about an hour before I had to get the kids up for school. I would sleep on my left side all night, even though my herniated disc in my neck  made sleeping on my left side almost unbearable. But with my back to H , and curled up tight I felt almost safe enough to sleep. That hour every day , when I could turn over , stretch out , sleep without worry , was heaven. When I was exhausted or just needed a break and I would reject him ( even though I would never really reject him, I would say I was tired, which I was . ) H would say things like " You never want sex, you must be getting it somewhere else" even when we had sex daily, or every other day. Or " I'm just so insecure, its not my fault, I dont feel loved, thats why I want (need) sex all the time" It got to the point I would try to say no, and he would spend hours badgering me until I would give in. It would literally go something like this , Me -" Fine , whatever" H-  " Ok"  Me- laying motionless, tears running down my face, head turned away. H - not caring about the tears, just annoyed I wasn't " into " it. Me- crying harder, H- " You know I cant deal with you when your crying" H- " why do you always try to wreck everything" . It always amazed me he could finish, I was like a weeping manequin. Frozen . Somehow it never bothered him enough to stop. When it was over he would get up , kiss me on the cheek, like we were a normal married couple that just made love. But we werent. I would feel hollow. Empty, like a hollow chocolate Easter bunny. I didn't even feel like crying, why bother. I felt gone.H wasn't much for affection, not privately anyway. In public he was very doting. Privately he would say he was just sooo attracted to me he couldn't touch me without being excited. Every hug was sexual. Every touch felt like a threat. I was so lonely. Soo confused. At the time I didnt know why I felt so bad all the time. I had a husband that wanted to have sex with me all the time.....why did I feel so shitty??? I know why now. Thats not how it should be. I would be angry at him if I still wasn't so frightened. But I am .

caged animal

I keep having conflicts with people in my life. People I love and care about, people who love and care about me. They say I am overly sensitive and take there words all wrong. I say I am a caged animal looking to stay alive. I am overly sensitive.My life depended on it. I am always looking for hidden meanings in peoples innocent words. In the past if I let my guard down, or believed H had "good " intentions there would be serious repurcussions. I take help and advice for control and judgement. I know this, but I will not apologize for feeling this way. The ONLY thing someone who has been abused needs is love and support. And for those of you who feel my abuse was in my past and I need to get over it,,,,, you just don't get it. It is not a choice for me,,,the fear is still there daily. H still enters my mind hourly. I am still scared of the repurcussions. It is getting better, but it is not gone.  Would you excpect a POW to be "normal " after a few months. I am taking care of my kids, I am taking care of my life, I am working, paying bills ,trying to do the right thing.  I'm sorry I am not enough for all of you.......just like I wasn't enough for H. On a side note whenever anyone says" After all I did for you!"  maybe they should'nt of done it in the first place. If your helping someone to get something in return, don't help,  if your helping someone to " buy" an opinion, don't help.

A letter to H

H-

The systematic way you turned me into a person that couldn't fight back, disgusts me. The fact that you turned my life into a life only lived for you angers me. If a stranger had done the things to me that you have done they would be in prison. Or at the very least shunned by society. The thought of you walking in the world laughing and smiling makes me vomit. The scariest thing to me is that our children , beautiful and innocent, share your DNA. The fiction that runs through your brain every second of every day is laughable. If someone was raped in a dark alley, they certainly wouldn't be expected to be pleasant to there rapist at trial. To calmy work out custody issues, and be accommodating. There is a part  of me dark, and heavy like stone, that will  never recover, never fully trust anyone again. But there is a part of me that grows stronger everyday that whirls and twirls like a top, spinning , spinning and is about to shatter the illusion of you. I realize now, despite your best efforts, it didn't work, I am not broken.  I was in a dream, full of false beliefs, false hopes and a false sense of who I was. I am awake, and what I see when I look at you  is a disgusting human being, who I know in my heart is capable of anything.

Anything  , but destroying me.

Renovations

I haven't written for a while. I have been busy moving into the new house. And doing construction.My new house had a small enclosed , dark kitchen. So I decided to take a wall down. What I should of realized is taking the wall down led to a new ceiling , new light fixtures , a new floor and new cabinets. I am happy to say that with the help ( and love ) of alot of people, I now have a beautiful kitchen. My family has acted like Super -Heroes, swooping in and smashing sheet rock , ripping out the old, and sticking around to build the new. My father has given me a new life. Some how having my own space, making my own decisions , picking out paint colors has given me freedom.Freedom to think.I would have to say  that was one of the worst things about  being abused. The self-doubt abuse causes, it was like a fog on my brain. Having to think of every decision five different ways , because I knew no matter what H would turn it all around.If the decision I made turned out well its because he " let " me make it, and if it  didn't , there would be hell to pay. I think my dad knew this. No matter how much I whined about not wanting him to help me, how he had done so much for me already, my father stayed firm. I was his daughter , and that was that.  My father somehow has been able to see me through the fog. And he knew me being truly on my own would act like a big High Pressure system.

I can't help but wish this band of caped crusaders would have been there 3 years ago. Let me rephrase, would have been there the way I needed. I was sick , emotionally and physically. I acted out, I was crabby and I certainly didn't act the way anyone thought I should have. I drank too much. I went out too much. I cried every day in private, but in public I would tell stories of abuse like I was describing a spa treatment. I was detached to say the least. My family and friends did the best they could. My point is this, they didn't know what to do, I didn't or couldn't know what to do.

But here I am now, sitting in a house that so far has been filled with love and laughter. I am grateful. I am starting to remember how it feels to be okay. I am not the person I was before, hell I didn't like her that much anyway. I am a better , more understanding person. And as I look back over my life I can honestly say I did the best I could given the circumstances. Don't we all?

I can't imagine the thousands of women, who have been abused, and have to deal with what comes with that, usually low or no income, and don't have what I have. Abuse affects everything. Its hard to get a job when you feel worthless, or are fearing for your life. Its hard to be a good parent , when you are in need of a parent yourself. Abusers alienate everyone around there victims. It s a lonely , scary place to be. I am so fortunate, and the only thing I can try to do ( however not as well as I would like most days) is to stop the cycle and raise children that are respectful. In order to do that though, I need to be respectful. I am trying. I am a work in progress, just like my new house. And just like my new house I have been transformed by the help and love of my family.

Anger

I am an angry person. Sometimes it consumes me.I can feel it building in my stomach , and it oozes out of my pores. My anger creates an invisible ,but palpable energy field around me.My children might not see it with their eyes but they know when my " shields " are up. This is the thing I am most ashamed of. When my mood swings this way , my kids literally say " Have you been talking to Dad? Please don't talk to him." They used to try to hide my phone.When it is at it's worst , I yell at my kids. Completely rage. I look for things wrong so I have something to scream about.  Unfortunately, I cant blame everything on H. I am responsible for my actions.

The reason I get so angry isn't because of the place I 'm at in my life. I will be okay, my kids will be okay. I feel denied of the anger I should of had then. When I was in a ball on the floor after H abused me, when I was crying at Wal-Mart because of H's cruelty. It keeps coming up and has no where to go. It hits me at the strangest times. One day I was at a jewelery store to see if they could fix some old earrings .It  happened to be Wedding Day Jewelers. There was a man there who was very  excited to propose to his future wife.I looked around, surrounded by wedding rings. My whole body felt sick, I had a sudden desire to just get OUT of there. When I got to  my car I was shaking. It meant so much to me to be married, it was my whole life.The combination of H never asking me to marry him( he said , "If you still want to get married, okay" and shrugged his shoulders) the fact we had to sell my wedding ring because we needed the money and the reality that my marriage is really over was too much. At first I thought I was sad. And then I realized I was angry.

H does not appreciate my anger. He feels I need to get over it. He feels he gave me a great life that I never appreciated. Recently I have expressed my frustration  about his parenting. In my opinion he treats our children like toys. When he wants to play with them, they should be there. When he doesn't feel like playing they should be on the shelf , sitting quietly. His job, friends and girlfriends have always  come before the needs of my kids. The first year we were broken up he didn't give them one bath, or wash their clothes one time. Now he has decided he want to be a good father. I am concerned it won't last. We were arguing the other day and I said some things I shouldn't have Not because they were wrong, because they just don't  matter any more. I said he always chose work over our family. He said his work gave us a great life in NC and I enjoyed the fruits of his labor. Great Life? I Enjoyed?  H was so controlling with every penny. I didn't grocery shop by myself, I didn't pick out my own clothes. He would brag to people that I could buy whatever I wanted, that he wasn't controlling. Technically he was right. I had the physical ability to buy things. But emotionally, the repercussions were usually enough to keep me in line. I guess not having any  freedom and getting beaten up are his ideas of a great life.

It is this disconnect that makes me angry. H's accounts of the past, - yes he abused me, but he has apologized.What do I want his blood? No he shouldn't of hurt me, but I have hurt him too. I had everything I ever wanted ( not sure why he thinks that , since he never asked me what I wanted!) why am I complaining. The truth is when we lost all our money  and H's business wasn't successful, I actually thought it would humble him. I actually thought maybe he would come back to earth. He didn't . I am angry. I am angry at H. I am angry at myself.
 I know how to fix it. Quit trying to get something from H that he can't give me. He will never justify my feelings.

But I finally realize that doesn't mean they're not justified.

I don't want to be angry any more. It is eating me alive.  I think I am waiting for something. Permission maybe? Permission to be happy, to let go. Maybe ,I feel like if I let it go what happened won't matter. I feel like a crime was committed and no one got punished. Like I'm standing on a street corner screaming " That man stole my purse, that man stole my purse! " and every one walks on by.Not only walks by , but pats the man on the back. I want him punished. But I am really just punishing myself.

Fetal Position

Compared to alot of women, I had it pretty good. I never had black eyes, I never had broken bones. The ambulance never took me away. My husband is about 6'3 , 240 lbs. I am about 5'3 , 120 lbs. He liked to kick.He liked to throw. He never punched me. Maybe that's part of the reason I wasn't sure I was being abused .Long before there were bruises, there was pushing and shoving. And truth be told, at the beginning of our relationship  I pushed him too. I would slam doors, I would slap him when he wouldn't let go of me. One day it occurred to  me I should stop. I remember thinking that if the situation ever escalated, because on some level I knew it would, I wanted a clear conscience. I wanted to be able to say " I didn't touch him."  And almost on cue, that's when the first real incidence happened. In a hotel , after a friends wedding. We were walking to our hotel from the bar arm in arm and laughing, but H was strange all night and I was scared.We said good bye to our friends , and H seemed okay. At least to anyone but me. An old friend from high school had said he had a crush on me 15 years before. Once inside the hotel room , things got ugly quick. I remember H saying " Why would he have a crush on you? No one would have a crush on you, He was just making his girlfriend jealous".

 I was  nervous to go to the wedding to begin with. It was H's friends,  not mine. Young Chiropractors who thought they were important. They were all doing very well financially. They all knew I used to work at McDonald's and never let me forget it. H and I had recently had our first son. I gained alot of weight during the pregnancy, and worked extremely hard to lose it before the wedding. The attention I received was nice for me, not so nice for H.

First move , grab me by the arms , squeeze like a python and shake.His first move turned out to be very consistent over the years. If you  ever see a woman with bruises on her upper arm, I would worry. Its a strange place to have a bruise unless someone put it there.Second move, throw me. Off the bed, on the bed, into a dresser. Once I would land somewhere I would curl up in a ball .I would try to cover my face , and protect my head. The first time this happened, I thought once he saw me cowering in a ball on the floor he would stop. Instead of stopping , my back became a target. For his foot.Again and again.  I of course was crying and screaming " Please stop, Please stop!"  And of course ,I was begging for forgiveness. " I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Sometimes I would stay in the fetal position for a long time, waiting for him to cool down. Sometimes he would pick me up while I was still in that position and move me to the bed. I felt like a turtle, safe inside my own little world. My shirt was usually soaked with tears, snot and wetness all over. My hair matted to my red and puffy face.Sometimes , he would try to unravel me, but I  would stay stiff like a statue.  And when it was over, it really had just begun. The sex to prove I loved him. The coldness for days because I had hurt his feelings. After the first time, we had a two hour drive back home. I cried  the whole way, begging him to forgive me, I don't remember what for. It was summer in NC ,short sleeve weather.  My mind was racing, how would I do this?? I remember being so thankful I had brought a long sleeve sweatshirt . It would cover the bruises on my arms.The bruises on my back no one would see, I just wouldn't go swimming. There was a babysitter at home, and I remember being almost happy . Happy and proud that no one would know. Proud of the fact we had a secret between us. I felt I had accomplished something when the baby sitter  had asked why I had a sweatshirt on   and I simply told her I had been chilled in the air conditioning. See ,,, I could be a good wife. I became a liar that day. And I stayed a liar for a long , long time.

 Some years later I needed to have a spinal tap. "Fetal position please. " the Doctor said. My body knew what to do. Brace , hang on, it would soon be over. I still can't get in that position without shaking. They thought I might have MS , or a brain tumor. But seriously the most traumatic thing I went through that day was the position I was in. Lying there , still and waiting for the pain. Too much. The scariest thing H ever did to me was the day the fetal position didn't work anymore. And he said " No, your not hiding your face from me. "  I had fingerprints on my neck and jaw from where he grabbed me.

Funny, no one noticed.

Ultimate control,,,,money

This is kind of a long complicated story. I will try to compress....

H (and I ) used to own  a very successful Chiropractic Office in NC. I worked there occasionally, but even though I had over 10 years of management experience , hiring ,giving performance reviews, setting goals, etc. I had very limited input. I was raising 3 kids , so I tried not to let it bother me that even if I had the tiniest suggestion H would do the exact opposite thing. We moved back to MN about 3 years ago to be near our family. H (and I ) opened up another Chiropractic office in MN. We hired a nanny , and I went to work full time. We fought . Alot. He would fight my ideas even if they were the right thing to do. H got arrested 4 months after  we opened. Long story short, the business failed.

H decided to open up an office in another location with a partner. During this time , I filed for divorce. Then we got back together. H and his partner moved locations again. There business did OK, but not well enough for H to pay the house payment. We got deeper and deeper into debt. We broke up and got back together , I honestly don't even know how many times. Several. Without telling me , H dissolved his partnership with his business partner. He did this only on paper. They were still functioning as partners, with H doing most of the work. But without legal ties, H legally did not show much income. Fast forward to this summer. H and I were together, barely. My mother was terminally ill. My friend owned a teeth whitening business in another city. She told me it would be a great job for me, I could set my own hours and own my own business. H and I discussed  it would be great for our family to have the extra income, and give me something to feel good about. H started texting and calling my friend without my knowledge. H was asking alot of detailed questions about what was intented to be my business.

We started to have alot of  conversations with my friend. It seemed like something I really wanted to do, I was excited to have something of my own. I talked to my dad about borrowing money. H and I decided since his business wasn't doing well with his partner, he and I would share a space, he would do Chiropractic , I would do teeth whitening. We even negotiated a lease. During this time we found out our house was being foreclosed on. We started really going through our financials and realized we could not get out of the mountain of debt having a failing business created. We decided to declare bankruptcy. Our  joint business venture would have to wait. We couldn't open a new business until the bankruptcy was over. It would take about 3 months. Some time during all of this my mother passed away. I'm not sure the exact timing , it was all a blur.

H was not happy about waiting to open the business. In fact he was rather unhappy. He wanted me to have my father just put it in his name until everything was clear. I said no, we could just wait, it would give us time to prepare. I should of seen the wheels turning in his head. H wants what he wants. H sold  the idea of teeth whitening to his business partner, who was technically his boss, since H had no legal claim to the practice anymore. They decided to do it in their office. Without asking me or telling me. He kept it from me for I don't know how long. I think the equipment had already been ordered before I found out. I was very angry when I found out, one of the conditions of H being back at the house was no more lying. He had lied a million times so I didn't find out he had stabbed me in the back. My dream of having something of my own was gone. Not only that , but if the  business was successful the profits wouldn't even be ours.

H claimed he was just thinking of our family, we needed to make more money. H claimed I could still open my own business someday, that it didn't matter if we were direct competition.When I asked H if I could help him do teeth whitening at his office, since I didn't have a job, and he needed help, his response was NO. His business partner didn't want me in their office.  H had moved out again, I made it clear I did not want to break up, and I would not date anyone or get involved in any way with any other man, and he agreed he would do the same.I actually forgave him, and we were going to try to work it out again. Until the night my 12 year old was upset with H , and said " You only care about your girlfriend!"
Of course I rose to H's defense, " That was along time ago, when Mom and Dad were getting divorced , Dad doesn't have a girlfriend now"  to which my son said " Oh yeah,, then why did we go to a movie with her and her 3 kids 2 days ago?"

 Fast forward to today, I'm moving out of my foreclosed house. H s teeth whitening business just made $17,000 in one day off an add they placed on the Internet. H s business partner isn't even in this state, he left H to run everything. And when I asked if H if he would be able to give me more money this month because I have proof his business is working, his response  " I didn't make any money, I'm just an employee." Also , he is telling people my friends company trained him!!! Lie , lie , lie......

So the moral of this really long , somewhat boring story is this. H didn't really want a teeth whitening business, H did not want me to have my own business. So he stole my idea for a business to help our family , and now hes saying it wont even help our family. We had decided he would take the kids on Wednesday nights and of course something came up so he couldn't, ( he was very busy at work, NOT making any money ) , and now he thinks he should be able to take them Saturday, because they're like toys for him to play with. I feel like I am fighting King Kong, he knows how to play the system and is always one step ahead of me. I need to get a lawyer involved, because he thinks he only has to give me money when he wants to. He is alot of things , but stupid isn't one of them. He will just tell his "partner" how much income he wants to show. And that's what my child support will be based on. I understand he hates me, why does he want to hurt our kids?  Its not like I'm getting manicures, I'm buying groceries.This is why abused women don't leave.
You have to weigh the pain. Which will be worse?? Getting abused and sharing a house, or getting abused and being completely and utterly alone??

 Honestly, I'm not sure yet........

I'm sorry for the rambling today, I'm just amazed at how many ways someone can hurt you.......

New Beginnings

Tomorrow I officially have a new house. I should be happy. I should at the very least be relieved. The was a time when I honestly didn't know if I would have any place to live, let alone a beautiful house of my own.( Thanks to my Dad, but that's another story.)  But I am incredibly sad. I can't keep the tears in. I realize my relationship with H is finally over. When I called him crying, he wouldn't even answer his phone. In the process of packing, I found my old wedding band. I thought it accidentally got thrown away 4 years ago. Strange I would find it today. I've been trying to share with H how difficult it is to go through all our stuff , all our memories. All our happy memories. My marriage meant everything to me. The failure of it is still devastating , to me.  He honestly doesn't care. I found out today he has lied about more things. Things that didn't need lies.  I am still shocked every time I find out. I feel a sadness deep in my bones, an ache that won't go away. Not only for where my life is now, 41 , alone , and left with all this responsibility, but for what I thought my life was.

As strange as it sounds, I thought H loved me. Not the way I needed , not the way I deserved, but the only way he could. Destructive , wild , possessive and jealous. But still in his own way, love.  Now I know he never did love me. All my nights sobbing on the bathroom floor were for nothing. Nothing. I might as well have been upset over George Clooney, I probably would have  gotten more of a response. My choosing to have my Dad help me get a house,  ( a stable place for our kids, my Dad won't throw me out if H refuses to pay child support  and I can't pay rent ) is yet another betrayal that H will never forgive me for. I still find myself asking, " why didn't he love me?"  Instead of me picturing my new life without enduring daily abuse,  I find  myself thinking about how H will have a happy new life with a new woman. Anyway.... hopefully I will feel better tomorrow. I am just very sad...... It shouldn't of been like this.....

Abused? Who me

Domestic Violence. Abuse. Wife Beater. What do these words mean? The media likes to portray these things as a man in a dirty t-shirt, drinking beer and complaining about his supper. Everyone cowers around him. Or as a handsome control freak, checking the order of canned food  and hand towels. Very rarely , if ever , have I seen an abusive relationship seem normal from the outside.On TV and the movies the bad guy is pretty easy to spot.

My children ran into there fathers arms. We had dinner parties. People laughed at his jokes. Women would comment on how wonderful H was. Someone actually said to me once, " If you two ever get divorced , theres no hope for anyone!" . I think she meant we were so happy, so  in love, she couldnt imagine it not lasting forever. I was so attached to the public perception of  "us" that I honestly did not think I was being abused. It didn't occur to me. AT ALL. Even after I was beaten dozens of times. I also thought I knew what a  "wife beater " was. He didnt look any thing like my husband. People liked my husband.If what my husband was doing was so bad, people wouldnt like him , right?

Even though most people had no idea what was really happening, some people had a clue. Some people had more than a clue. H beat me once at my sisters house. I thought my arm was broken. She promptly gave me an ice pack, but said nothing. She did not  call the police. She did not ask me any questions. H told  me on the way home that my brother in law , pulled him a side and said, " I understand, I know how those Thompson girls are." Now to the defense of my brother -in -law, H lies alot. Even if that wasnt what was said, the fact that they did nothing put there stamp of approval on what happened. There stamp of approval gave H more power than ever. That little part of him that knew it was wrong was gone. That little part of me that had any hope that I would get help, was also gone.

After this incident , I really felt like I wasnt a person anymore. I felt like a dog that had misbehaved. H beat me on and off for 10 years. It wasnt until he got arrested that I realized  what he was doing was wrong. He got arrested because he beat me at a New Years Eve party  in front of my neighbors, who called the police. Yes, INFRONT of my neighbors. When he went to jail , it was shocking to me. Shocking.I can only imagine the look on my face when the police officer told me they took him to jail . I almost asked what for. I am an intelligent person, I come from a good family, and I had no idea. It is amazing to me now how far away from myself I was. Once he got arrested the police become involved and they have people who suggest counseling etc.. I thought " what for?" I did NOT want to label myself  that way. The media does not portray victims of domestic violence that great either. ( Even though I look alot like Julia Roberts LOL!) I did not want to be perceived as weak, or stupid, and I couldn't bear to hear " why didn't you just leave?"


More to come soon,,,,

Lost and Found

The last few years have been difficult. I have been trying to untangle myself from a very sticky web. Today I am going to talk about the things I have lost, but I also want to talk about all the things I have gained. Not only did I lose my marriage, my house and all my money. I lost four of the most important people in my life. My mother and my two brothers passed away. The fourth person , is of course my husband. Trying to maneuver through life without these people has been unbearable.

My brother Cliff died 10 years ago from AIDS. Cliff was my first love. He was 10 years older than me. We would dance in the living room, he would braid my hair, he took me to lunch. Even as I got older we stayed very close. He loved me unconditionally , and was also very honest with me.  My mother and father went to visit him in California to help him find an apartment closer to his Medical Clinic. After my father returned from a jog, he tried to wake my brother. My brother was dead. Between you and I , I think my brother died of an overdose.Because he had AIDS there was no foul play suspected and it was as simple as that.  My artistic , talented brother was sick of his hands not working , sick of his memory being gone. Sick of being sick. With my parents there , they would take care of things after he was gone. I was blind sided and devastated. We all knew he was sick , but I was hoping to see him one more time. The funeral  was planned in MN. I begged H to go with me. Literally begged him. He " couldn't " go. I barely talked to him when I was in MN ( we were living in NC) . After the funeral , I remember sitting in my sisters bedroom and bawling, trying to get in contact with him. He didn't answer the phone. I found out later, he had a friend over the night  before and was so hungover, he was asleep. After I returned to NC , when I went to vacuum , the vacuum smelled horrible. He was supposed to be taking care of our one year old son. I learned he put him to bed early, and let him cry, while him and his friend got wasted. The vacuum was used to clean up the throw up. H lied to me about what  really happened for a long long time. Not that any of that really matters but  that's what I remember about my brother dying, needing H, and him needing to get drunk. 

My brother Jr. died three years ago from AIDS. He died several weeks after H got arrested for domestic assault. Jr. loved H. H loved Jr. We bought plane tickets for Jr. to come visit us in NC ( Jr. lived in Memphis), we spent Christmases , birthdays and baptisms together. My children loved him. I loved him. He gave me the best Christmas present I have ever and will ever receive. He wrote me a letter. He told me how proud he was of me, and what a great person I was becoming. He always thought the best of me. He always defended me. He loved me. Jr. and H had a great relationship, they laughed, they talked and Jr. thought H was good to me. Not only good , but he thought I was spoiled. H was always charming and wonderful around other people, I think that's why I always wanted to have people around.   So when H got arrested I couldn't call Jr. I was still trying to defend H. Jr. DID not approve of men hitting women. So when my brothers partner called and told me Jr. was in the hospital , I felt it was a great time to get away, so I flew to Memphis. My parents met me at the hospital. None of us had any idea he had quit taking his AIDS medicine.None of us had any idea he ways days away from death. I went to Memphis to have some time alone, and to help my brother recover. When the Dr.s told us he wasbrain dead, my family decided to pull the plug. I thought H was at home taking care of our three kids. At least I didn't have to worry about them. H was actually on a plane to Memphis, without my knowledge or permission. As I took the elevator down to the hospital lobby, after watching my brother die, I heard someone say, " Have you seen H?"   And then I heard my father say " Your a sight for sore eyes"  , my family was happy to see him. I had to play along, my family was going through enough, but I wanted to scream. I wanted to mourn my brother, without worrying about H.


My mother died from COPD in August. She died a day after I learned my house was in foreclosure. My mother had been very ill for a long time. We had a sometimes wonderful, but mostly rocky relationship. My mother however was usually very good in a crisis. We were close, and she knew almost everything about me. She could be kind, she could be cruel. In the bathroom of the restaurant we went to after Jrs funeral, she told me I needed to " get over" H beating me. She did love me unconditionally though, and tried to be supportive as she watched me get back together with H time and time again. One thing for sure, I could always talk to her. I miss her and her voice, very much.

And H. Well I lost the idea of H. But I did lose  someone to help with the kids, someone to mow the lawn ,and someone to watch a movie with.

Now for the things I have gained. I have gained honesty. I am not trying to pretend to have this perfect life anymore. It is what it is, I am what I am. I have gained the knowledge that people truly love me and I am not alone. I have learned that money and things don't really matter. I have had to let my wedding ring, house and other possessions go. Getting rid of stuff, physically and emotionally has been healing. I am looking forward to a simpler life. I have also gained a sense of humor, I cant tell you how many times I have laughed at the utter ridiculousness of it all. One day one of my friends commented on my eye make up, she said she liked it better lighter. She said when I wore it dark it made me look like I had a black eye. I laughed, and said,,,," how do you know , maybe I did!!"  She laughed too, not an uncomfortable  you poor thing laugh, but a real - 'I cant believe you just said that!" laugh. Most importantly though, I have learned life is short. When I was younger I thought only people who had resolved there issues died. That you only died after your life could fit into a pretty box with a bow on it. It didn't occur to me that you could die sad, mad or unhappy. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I need to make my life work. Today. I need to tell people I love them . Today. I do want to be happy. I would never be happy with H. I could survive. I could get through. I want more than that.

The hardest person to forgive

I made a mistake yesterday. I shared my blog with my H. I'm not sure why I did it. I think I still have a strong desire for him to understand, sympathize and validate what I have been through. I should of known better. I have had countless people, friends and professionals alike, who have told me I need to quit doing this. I will never get what I want from him. Never. I have tried for years. It has always ended with me in tears. This is what he had to say about my blog, "Touching blogs-  if only they were completely honest.. Yes I know you have been completely innocent."

What H is eluding to is that I'm not perfect. I made mistakes in our marriage. I made normal mistakes, was bitchy without reason, flirted at bars and wanted more things than I should of. Normal mistakes. Not life changing , earth shattering, call the police mistakes.I never cheated. I didnt hide purchases. I cooked him lunch every day, and dinner every night. I took care of our kids. I made social plans, and found great friends. I threw parties anyone would be proud of. I took care of myself and was pleasant to strangers. I kept up my end of the bargain. I took care of him when he was sick, I loved him through good times and bad.  I was by all accounts a normal wife.

What H cant forgive me for is that after years of abuse, I started wanting attention from other people. Men and women. Any friend he felt threatened by was a bitch. Any man I spoke to wanted to sleep with me. I couldnt talk to a male without him saying I was flirting. He of course could flirt with who ever he wanted. He could dance and flirt, and almost kiss someone right in front of me a  day after I'd given birth. That didnt matter. He had had too much to drink, ( when didnt he?) No matter how many things I had done to prove my love, the mistakes I made were never erased. And they never will be. He still feels justified in beating me. There is no way to rationalize irrational behavior. So why does he ( and I  ) keep trying??

Part of me still believes him. Still believes I am some how to blame for being beaten , and mentally punished daily. I tell people it wouldnt of mattered if I sat in a room by myself every day and didnt move, H still would of been abusive. I tell people I wasnt perfect, but the punishment didnt fit the crime. The truth is , I dont believe it. The truth is , even after everything, I am still looking for his approval. It makes me sick. I hate myself daily . I wish I was strong enough 3 years ago to say enough is enough. I wish I was strong enough to not let my kids see me cry. The person I am most angry at is myself. I still believe everything he says, which is crazy , because I have caught him in sooo many lies. About literally everything. Why do I let him decide who I am??

How long will it take for me to become immune? Two steps forward and three steps back?? I will try to quit trying, I will try to forgive. Myself.
So to H, no Im not innocent. I am a human being. I am also a victim of domestic violence, mental abuse and sexual abuse. What are you a victim of?? 

side note-
and I know the PC thing to call myself is a survivor . Like , Im a breast cancer survivor. Im not there yet, not sure I ever will be. Not because I dont feel that way, I think it takes the perpetrator out of the equation, Victim implies a crime was committed,Survivor sounds more like  a natural disaster or disease no one could help. I shouldnt of been abused, it wasnt a mistake or an uncontrollable. It was done to me on purpose,  it was planned.

Someone to love, Something to do, and Something to hope for

I heard this saying , or some version of it somewhere and it really struck me. Everyone should have someone to love, something to do, and something to hope for.


Someone to love- Yes, I have my children. Yes , I have my family and friends. Dont get me wrong, without my children and my family and friends I honestly would not be here. I would be dead, by my hand or someone elses. Or in a mental institution, by my hand or someone elses! A partner in life, a love , someone who holds me when I cry, someone who makes my cheeks red when they look at me, I do not have. Life is too scary and messy , and wonderful and beautiful not to share. Now the complicated part,,, when will I be ready to look for this other person? How will I ever trust another person? Peoples advice to me...Dont date, your not ready... date but only casually.. hang out with your women friends. People in my life are scared for me. People in my life cant go through any of this again.

I am acutely aware how elusive love is for everyone.That even under the best circumstances people can be lonely.I am also acutely aware just how much I want it. How much I want to receive and give unconditional love. I would be good at it. I can be your best cheerleader. It is another thing H took away. Not only my love, my ability to hope for love. For all you neysayers out there who will tell me
" Dont let him take it away,,, you can choose to feel differently, it is not what happened to you , but how you handle it that counts.."  He took it away. He did. If someone steals your wallet, it doesnt matter how you feel about it, its still gone.


Something to do -  I was a stay at home mom for 12 years. I need a job. There was a time in my life along time ago when I was passionate about my job. I was a manager at McDonalds, and I loved it. I worked 60 hours a week , happily! Getting performance reviews was the best part of my year. Now I dont know what to do. If there was a magic fairy that told me I could have any job I wanted, I wouldnt know what to pick. Years of being told I made the wrong decisions has left me paralyzed. This is another thing I want people to understand, just because I havent been hit in 3 years, doesnt mean I dont struggle daily. Raising my kids is a gift that I am thankful for, it is not the same as completing a hard day of work and feeling like you  did a good job.

Something to hope for- Jonathan ( my 19 year old) asked me one day what I was excited about. It was after some thought that I said "nothing." He wondered if I was excited to move into our new house. I said "no, not really, I'm sad." The house I currently am living in has gotten foreclosed on. My father bought me a house near by  that I will rent from him, and hopefully buy from him someday. I am very fortunate . The best I can hope for is to try to take care of my kids, pay my bills and live my life in peace. I guess that is something.

I have been told this blog isnt very inspiring, and needs some kind of happy ending. Some kind of lesson. The lesson is this, abuse is far reaching and the effects are devastating. I am not going to pretend to be okay for other people. I am not okay. I am mad , I am bitter and I am dissapointed. Not only with H but with alot of other people. The lesson is also this, do not assume what people are going through. Ask. One thing almost no one did was ask me what it felt like to live with H. They assumed the violence was the worst of it, and once that was over , so were my problems. I did not tell the truth for years, about my life, my relationship , myself. I refuse to be " happy" or " over it" because it would make other people feel  more comfortable. That is how I got into this situation .

To end on a lighter note however..,,,,   I actually am feeling better, lighter, and even occasionally happy. I dont cry every day anymore. I laugh more, I even dance with my kids (when they let me!  they do not approve of my dance moves!) I have realized how incredibly lucky and blessed I am , for alot of reasons...So maybe one day I can write an inspiring blog....  Like a phoenix rising out of the ashes....
Just kidding , I DESPISE that analogy......Im not a phoenix and my life isnt in ashes.......maybe a swan..... I guess I will figure it out,,,,,,,,,

Maybe now ...

I have told this story many times. It is not the worst thing H ever did, and it didnt even leave a bruise.

First, a little background. When my son Jake was born , after 25 hours of labor, it was decided I needed a C-section. This was my second son, H-s first. It didnt take me long to realize things were different this time. Things werent progressing. 20 hours into it I couldnt take the pain and wanted an epidural. First mistake. H did not approve. Epidural, sleep, waking to an oxygen mask, scared. Jake was struggling, it was too much for him.C-section. I swear it took 3 minutes and voila , Jake had arrived. Happy ending right? Mother and child healthy, right? Wrong! My Chiropractor husband was NOT happy. Privately he refused to help with things. Publicly he was the model father. One day after dropping the diaper bag   I asked H if he could grab it for me. I was still very sore. H looked me dead in the eye and said NO. It was my own fault I had to have a C-section. Translation, I didnt give birth right. In other words, I had known H did not want me to have an epidural, I had known H didnt want me to have a C-section. I had disobeyed. What would all his patients say? His Chiropractor friends?  He ridiculed me for years because of it.


So when I got pregnant with our second son , I was on a mission. I would have him vaginally. The pregnancy was a dream, I felt great. As the big day got closer, I was excited. Of course to see my new son, but honestly , I was just excited to do it RIGHT.  Two weeks before my due date I went to the Doctor. My body was almost ready, she stripped my membranes ( ouch!!)  and told me to drink castor oil. First mistake, it was a Thursday. If I went into labor, H would have to take Friday off of work. H did not want to take Friday off of work. We fought for hours,  why couldnt I have waited a day??  I tried to sleep ( on the couch , because we were fighting) but I was in labor.  We got to the hospital around 1 and Richard was born by 5. Without a C-section. So despite my earlier slip up, I had done something right. Or so I thought. I waited for the moment when H looked at me and said " Im so proud of you."  Or " Thank you for giving me our son."  Maybe I watch too many movies.

After Richard was safely in the nursery, this is what H said to me. " I am sooo tired. " He was trying to sleep on a chair that layed down into a cot. H reminded me he was up all night and he didnt get any sleep. The chair was very uncomfortable. If he could just get  a little sleep he would feel better. So this is what I said " Would you like to sleep in the bed?  I can try to sleep on the chair."  Warm and snug in my hospital bed, H fell instantly asleep. He awoke an hour or so later when the nurse tried to take his blood pressure. 


There have been many different reactions when I tell this story. 1. He didnt really do that...2. Why would you get out of your bed?  Who cares if he was tired??  3. This reaction is not a verbal one, but this is what the blank stare says - So?? its not like you had a triple by-pass or something, H is a big guy in a little chair, your a little girl in a big bed???

This story is my relationship with H in a nutshell. Me trying to make him happy , and never quite figuring out how. Losing myself in the process. It also explains how some people view my relationship. It couldnt of been that bad, there had to be good times.Why would you stay?? I wouldnt of stayed ( or gotten out of the hospital bed.)  So he got drunk and hurt you a few times, he also bought you a great house and a great car. He plays with his kids. He is so charming.

You may be wondering how it felt to be sitting in a chair of my hospital room hours after giving birth and not sleeping for days. Listening to my husband snore. Sad? Scared? Mad? Unappreciated? Uncomfortable?   Nope.


Relief. Relief H was asleep. Relief H was comfortable. I could sleep later. I could handle anything. I would be fine. I also felt hope. Hope that H would realize how much I loved him. Realize that all I cared about was him. Hope and relief ,as my body ached, and my head throbbed. Maybe now he would get it. Maybe now...

Prep work

My husband put a lot of time into making sure I was ready to  be abused. It didnt happen overnight. It took two years. Two years of making sure I knew he was always right. When we would discuss where to go for lunch for example, this is how it would go. H- " Where would you like to go to lunch?"       Me- "It doesnt matter, just not Chinese."  H-"Well you pick, you never decide anything."  Me- " Fine lets go to Billys Cafe", This is where one of two things would happen, If H was feeling generous we would go to Billys Cafe. Once there he would complain about the service , the food or the man with the weird mustache that kept staring at him. Which of course would reinforce the notion that I cant even make a simple decision. If H was not feeling generous he would try to convince me that the Chinese buffet really did make the most sense. There would be something there I could eat, and they had ice cream ( which I never ate).This happened EVERY time. We never went anywhere once that I chose where he didnt make it hell for me. NEVER.

It was scenes like this one played over and over , about the simplest thing, that led to my demise. H got extremely mad at me one night after I casually asked him how I should wear my hair. He said down and when I decided last minute to just pull it into a pony tail, you think I would have killed his cat. We were on our way out to a party. And he literally was fuming " You have no respect for my opinion!! I told you to wear it down!! Why did you even ask me!! "  I tried to explain that I just couldnt make it work down. So then this-" It just hurts me so much . Its like you think I have bad taste or something. I just wish you trusted me."  So to my family and friends, this is how it starts. How in that instant I have a decision to make. If I keep my hair up there will be consequences. Pouting , snide comments and the worst, withdrawing of attention and affection. If I let my hair down there will be peace. I might feel yucky all night, but there will be peace. Albeit temporary, my disobedience is not quickly forgotten.

By the time he beat me, he had me so convinced that he couldnt be wrong, I apologized to him.

Prep work. You cant go on a trip, throw a dinner party or perform surgery without it.

My husband was very good at his.

First Blog- an explanation

Waiting for a hurricane. Anyone who has lived in a hurricane zone knows what this feels like. It can take weeks. First few days your curiousity is peaked, is that tropical low going to turn into a storm? Next few days, is that tropical storm going to turn into a full fledged hurricane? Next few days, is that hurricane coming OUR way?  And thats when the fun starts. Trips to Walmart , gas station and ofcourse the liquor store. You have food and drink , batteries, and candles. And then you wait. When it finally comes, there is a sense of relief that goes with the fear, at least the wait is over. Its never as bad as it could have been.  Its never as good as you hoped. The weather is usually beautiful after. A sense of community erupts, neighbors helping neighbors clean up the mess. But the gorgeous tree that fell down, the one that shaded your picnics, the one that held the tire swing, can not be replaced.You can plant a new one, but it will take years to grow. And somehow it makes your whole yard, your whole house, your whole life feel different.

The same kind of waiting happens with domestic violence.There are signs, innocent to anyone but the victim. At first you try to brush them off. Maybe that smile was real? Maybe I'm getting the flu, and that would explain the pit in my stomache. So the cycle would begin. Small accusations. Little injustices. Feelings would get hurt, his ,not mine ofcourse. I would wait. Wait until the storm hit. I would brace myself and wait for it to be over. I would give tearful apologies, and beg him to forgive ME. I thought if I was better it would stop happening. A day or two later when the beating had a chance to settle in my 5'2  body, and the pain made it difficult to move, because he was a nice man , he would help with the kids. He would explain in his Dr. way that the deep purple and green meant the bruises were very deep, he suggested ice. And like the hurricane, the weather would clear, and life would go on.

I have heard stories of wives getting beaten by there perfect husbands on there wedding night.That was not the case with me. There were signs early on, not violent signs, but signs of abusive controlling behavior. I guess I am writing this because there are things about victims I would like to clear up. Ofcourse I cant speak for all victims, but I will speak for myself. By the time my husband first abused me ( grabbing me, shaking me, throwing me against walls, kicking me in the legs and back as hard as humanly possible) he had already emotionally abused me very severely. I have had people say to me " I would never let a man touch me, I would leave immediately!!"  What I have to say to those people is this. The person I am today (trying to be , every day is difficult) is not the person that got beaten.

I planted a new tree. I am trying to take care of it. I will never be the same. My children will never be the same. I am trying.