My husband put a lot of time into making sure I was ready to be abused. It didnt happen overnight. It took two years. Two years of making sure I knew he was always right. When we would discuss where to go for lunch for example, this is how it would go. H- " Where would you like to go to lunch?" Me- "It doesnt matter, just not Chinese." H-"Well you pick, you never decide anything." Me- " Fine lets go to Billys Cafe", This is where one of two things would happen, If H was feeling generous we would go to Billys Cafe. Once there he would complain about the service , the food or the man with the weird mustache that kept staring at him. Which of course would reinforce the notion that I cant even make a simple decision. If H was not feeling generous he would try to convince me that the Chinese buffet really did make the most sense. There would be something there I could eat, and they had ice cream ( which I never ate).This happened EVERY time. We never went anywhere once that I chose where he didnt make it hell for me. NEVER.
It was scenes like this one played over and over , about the simplest thing, that led to my demise. H got extremely mad at me one night after I casually asked him how I should wear my hair. He said down and when I decided last minute to just pull it into a pony tail, you think I would have killed his cat. We were on our way out to a party. And he literally was fuming " You have no respect for my opinion!! I told you to wear it down!! Why did you even ask me!! " I tried to explain that I just couldnt make it work down. So then this-" It just hurts me so much . Its like you think I have bad taste or something. I just wish you trusted me." So to my family and friends, this is how it starts. How in that instant I have a decision to make. If I keep my hair up there will be consequences. Pouting , snide comments and the worst, withdrawing of attention and affection. If I let my hair down there will be peace. I might feel yucky all night, but there will be peace. Albeit temporary, my disobedience is not quickly forgotten.
By the time he beat me, he had me so convinced that he couldnt be wrong, I apologized to him.
Prep work. You cant go on a trip, throw a dinner party or perform surgery without it.
My husband was very good at his.
i told someone today about what goes on at home. they asked respectful questions. i was able to explain to them how this stuff grows- that it doesn't just happen. we always think the "not me" stuff- the "i wouldn't stay if" stuff. and then the day comes when you finally have to say "it happened to me." THEN the work really begins...
ReplyDeletei really like how honest you are about the "grooming" process he put you through. it's very easy to understand what you're saying.
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