New Beginnings

Tomorrow I officially have a new house. I should be happy. I should at the very least be relieved. The was a time when I honestly didn't know if I would have any place to live, let alone a beautiful house of my own.( Thanks to my Dad, but that's another story.)  But I am incredibly sad. I can't keep the tears in. I realize my relationship with H is finally over. When I called him crying, he wouldn't even answer his phone. In the process of packing, I found my old wedding band. I thought it accidentally got thrown away 4 years ago. Strange I would find it today. I've been trying to share with H how difficult it is to go through all our stuff , all our memories. All our happy memories. My marriage meant everything to me. The failure of it is still devastating , to me.  He honestly doesn't care. I found out today he has lied about more things. Things that didn't need lies.  I am still shocked every time I find out. I feel a sadness deep in my bones, an ache that won't go away. Not only for where my life is now, 41 , alone , and left with all this responsibility, but for what I thought my life was.

As strange as it sounds, I thought H loved me. Not the way I needed , not the way I deserved, but the only way he could. Destructive , wild , possessive and jealous. But still in his own way, love.  Now I know he never did love me. All my nights sobbing on the bathroom floor were for nothing. Nothing. I might as well have been upset over George Clooney, I probably would have  gotten more of a response. My choosing to have my Dad help me get a house,  ( a stable place for our kids, my Dad won't throw me out if H refuses to pay child support  and I can't pay rent ) is yet another betrayal that H will never forgive me for. I still find myself asking, " why didn't he love me?"  Instead of me picturing my new life without enduring daily abuse,  I find  myself thinking about how H will have a happy new life with a new woman. Anyway.... hopefully I will feel better tomorrow. I am just very sad...... It shouldn't of been like this.....