Maybe now ...

I have told this story many times. It is not the worst thing H ever did, and it didnt even leave a bruise.

First, a little background. When my son Jake was born , after 25 hours of labor, it was decided I needed a C-section. This was my second son, H-s first. It didnt take me long to realize things were different this time. Things werent progressing. 20 hours into it I couldnt take the pain and wanted an epidural. First mistake. H did not approve. Epidural, sleep, waking to an oxygen mask, scared. Jake was struggling, it was too much for him.C-section. I swear it took 3 minutes and voila , Jake had arrived. Happy ending right? Mother and child healthy, right? Wrong! My Chiropractor husband was NOT happy. Privately he refused to help with things. Publicly he was the model father. One day after dropping the diaper bag   I asked H if he could grab it for me. I was still very sore. H looked me dead in the eye and said NO. It was my own fault I had to have a C-section. Translation, I didnt give birth right. In other words, I had known H did not want me to have an epidural, I had known H didnt want me to have a C-section. I had disobeyed. What would all his patients say? His Chiropractor friends?  He ridiculed me for years because of it.


So when I got pregnant with our second son , I was on a mission. I would have him vaginally. The pregnancy was a dream, I felt great. As the big day got closer, I was excited. Of course to see my new son, but honestly , I was just excited to do it RIGHT.  Two weeks before my due date I went to the Doctor. My body was almost ready, she stripped my membranes ( ouch!!)  and told me to drink castor oil. First mistake, it was a Thursday. If I went into labor, H would have to take Friday off of work. H did not want to take Friday off of work. We fought for hours,  why couldnt I have waited a day??  I tried to sleep ( on the couch , because we were fighting) but I was in labor.  We got to the hospital around 1 and Richard was born by 5. Without a C-section. So despite my earlier slip up, I had done something right. Or so I thought. I waited for the moment when H looked at me and said " Im so proud of you."  Or " Thank you for giving me our son."  Maybe I watch too many movies.

After Richard was safely in the nursery, this is what H said to me. " I am sooo tired. " He was trying to sleep on a chair that layed down into a cot. H reminded me he was up all night and he didnt get any sleep. The chair was very uncomfortable. If he could just get  a little sleep he would feel better. So this is what I said " Would you like to sleep in the bed?  I can try to sleep on the chair."  Warm and snug in my hospital bed, H fell instantly asleep. He awoke an hour or so later when the nurse tried to take his blood pressure. 


There have been many different reactions when I tell this story. 1. He didnt really do that...2. Why would you get out of your bed?  Who cares if he was tired??  3. This reaction is not a verbal one, but this is what the blank stare says - So?? its not like you had a triple by-pass or something, H is a big guy in a little chair, your a little girl in a big bed???

This story is my relationship with H in a nutshell. Me trying to make him happy , and never quite figuring out how. Losing myself in the process. It also explains how some people view my relationship. It couldnt of been that bad, there had to be good times.Why would you stay?? I wouldnt of stayed ( or gotten out of the hospital bed.)  So he got drunk and hurt you a few times, he also bought you a great house and a great car. He plays with his kids. He is so charming.

You may be wondering how it felt to be sitting in a chair of my hospital room hours after giving birth and not sleeping for days. Listening to my husband snore. Sad? Scared? Mad? Unappreciated? Uncomfortable?   Nope.


Relief. Relief H was asleep. Relief H was comfortable. I could sleep later. I could handle anything. I would be fine. I also felt hope. Hope that H would realize how much I loved him. Realize that all I cared about was him. Hope and relief ,as my body ached, and my head throbbed. Maybe now he would get it. Maybe now...