Renovations

I haven't written for a while. I have been busy moving into the new house. And doing construction.My new house had a small enclosed , dark kitchen. So I decided to take a wall down. What I should of realized is taking the wall down led to a new ceiling , new light fixtures , a new floor and new cabinets. I am happy to say that with the help ( and love ) of alot of people, I now have a beautiful kitchen. My family has acted like Super -Heroes, swooping in and smashing sheet rock , ripping out the old, and sticking around to build the new. My father has given me a new life. Some how having my own space, making my own decisions , picking out paint colors has given me freedom.Freedom to think.I would have to say  that was one of the worst things about  being abused. The self-doubt abuse causes, it was like a fog on my brain. Having to think of every decision five different ways , because I knew no matter what H would turn it all around.If the decision I made turned out well its because he " let " me make it, and if it  didn't , there would be hell to pay. I think my dad knew this. No matter how much I whined about not wanting him to help me, how he had done so much for me already, my father stayed firm. I was his daughter , and that was that.  My father somehow has been able to see me through the fog. And he knew me being truly on my own would act like a big High Pressure system.

I can't help but wish this band of caped crusaders would have been there 3 years ago. Let me rephrase, would have been there the way I needed. I was sick , emotionally and physically. I acted out, I was crabby and I certainly didn't act the way anyone thought I should have. I drank too much. I went out too much. I cried every day in private, but in public I would tell stories of abuse like I was describing a spa treatment. I was detached to say the least. My family and friends did the best they could. My point is this, they didn't know what to do, I didn't or couldn't know what to do.

But here I am now, sitting in a house that so far has been filled with love and laughter. I am grateful. I am starting to remember how it feels to be okay. I am not the person I was before, hell I didn't like her that much anyway. I am a better , more understanding person. And as I look back over my life I can honestly say I did the best I could given the circumstances. Don't we all?

I can't imagine the thousands of women, who have been abused, and have to deal with what comes with that, usually low or no income, and don't have what I have. Abuse affects everything. Its hard to get a job when you feel worthless, or are fearing for your life. Its hard to be a good parent , when you are in need of a parent yourself. Abusers alienate everyone around there victims. It s a lonely , scary place to be. I am so fortunate, and the only thing I can try to do ( however not as well as I would like most days) is to stop the cycle and raise children that are respectful. In order to do that though, I need to be respectful. I am trying. I am a work in progress, just like my new house. And just like my new house I have been transformed by the help and love of my family.