I made a mistake yesterday. I shared my blog with my H. I'm not sure why I did it. I think I still have a strong desire for him to understand, sympathize and validate what I have been through. I should of known better. I have had countless people, friends and professionals alike, who have told me I need to quit doing this. I will never get what I want from him. Never. I have tried for years. It has always ended with me in tears. This is what he had to say about my blog, "Touching blogs- if only they were completely honest.. Yes I know you have been completely innocent."
What H is eluding to is that I'm not perfect. I made mistakes in our marriage. I made normal mistakes, was bitchy without reason, flirted at bars and wanted more things than I should of. Normal mistakes. Not life changing , earth shattering, call the police mistakes.I never cheated. I didnt hide purchases. I cooked him lunch every day, and dinner every night. I took care of our kids. I made social plans, and found great friends. I threw parties anyone would be proud of. I took care of myself and was pleasant to strangers. I kept up my end of the bargain. I took care of him when he was sick, I loved him through good times and bad. I was by all accounts a normal wife.
What H cant forgive me for is that after years of abuse, I started wanting attention from other people. Men and women. Any friend he felt threatened by was a bitch. Any man I spoke to wanted to sleep with me. I couldnt talk to a male without him saying I was flirting. He of course could flirt with who ever he wanted. He could dance and flirt, and almost kiss someone right in front of me a day after I'd given birth. That didnt matter. He had had too much to drink, ( when didnt he?) No matter how many things I had done to prove my love, the mistakes I made were never erased. And they never will be. He still feels justified in beating me. There is no way to rationalize irrational behavior. So why does he ( and I ) keep trying??
Part of me still believes him. Still believes I am some how to blame for being beaten , and mentally punished daily. I tell people it wouldnt of mattered if I sat in a room by myself every day and didnt move, H still would of been abusive. I tell people I wasnt perfect, but the punishment didnt fit the crime. The truth is , I dont believe it. The truth is , even after everything, I am still looking for his approval. It makes me sick. I hate myself daily . I wish I was strong enough 3 years ago to say enough is enough. I wish I was strong enough to not let my kids see me cry. The person I am most angry at is myself. I still believe everything he says, which is crazy , because I have caught him in sooo many lies. About literally everything. Why do I let him decide who I am??
How long will it take for me to become immune? Two steps forward and three steps back?? I will try to quit trying, I will try to forgive. Myself.
So to H, no Im not innocent. I am a human being. I am also a victim of domestic violence, mental abuse and sexual abuse. What are you a victim of??
side note-
and I know the PC thing to call myself is a survivor . Like , Im a breast cancer survivor. Im not there yet, not sure I ever will be. Not because I dont feel that way, I think it takes the perpetrator out of the equation, Victim implies a crime was committed,Survivor sounds more like a natural disaster or disease no one could help. I shouldnt of been abused, it wasnt a mistake or an uncontrollable. It was done to me on purpose, it was planned.
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