The last few years have been difficult. I have been trying to untangle myself from a very sticky web. Today I am going to talk about the things I have lost, but I also want to talk about all the things I have gained. Not only did I lose my marriage, my house and all my money. I lost four of the most important people in my life. My mother and my two brothers passed away. The fourth person , is of course my husband. Trying to maneuver through life without these people has been unbearable.
My brother Cliff died 10 years ago from AIDS. Cliff was my first love. He was 10 years older than me. We would dance in the living room, he would braid my hair, he took me to lunch. Even as I got older we stayed very close. He loved me unconditionally , and was also very honest with me. My mother and father went to visit him in California to help him find an apartment closer to his Medical Clinic. After my father returned from a jog, he tried to wake my brother. My brother was dead. Between you and I , I think my brother died of an overdose.Because he had AIDS there was no foul play suspected and it was as simple as that. My artistic , talented brother was sick of his hands not working , sick of his memory being gone. Sick of being sick. With my parents there , they would take care of things after he was gone. I was blind sided and devastated. We all knew he was sick , but I was hoping to see him one more time. The funeral was planned in MN. I begged H to go with me. Literally begged him. He " couldn't " go. I barely talked to him when I was in MN ( we were living in NC) . After the funeral , I remember sitting in my sisters bedroom and bawling, trying to get in contact with him. He didn't answer the phone. I found out later, he had a friend over the night before and was so hungover, he was asleep. After I returned to NC , when I went to vacuum , the vacuum smelled horrible. He was supposed to be taking care of our one year old son. I learned he put him to bed early, and let him cry, while him and his friend got wasted. The vacuum was used to clean up the throw up. H lied to me about what really happened for a long long time. Not that any of that really matters but that's what I remember about my brother dying, needing H, and him needing to get drunk.
My brother Jr. died three years ago from AIDS. He died several weeks after H got arrested for domestic assault. Jr. loved H. H loved Jr. We bought plane tickets for Jr. to come visit us in NC ( Jr. lived in Memphis), we spent Christmases , birthdays and baptisms together. My children loved him. I loved him. He gave me the best Christmas present I have ever and will ever receive. He wrote me a letter. He told me how proud he was of me, and what a great person I was becoming. He always thought the best of me. He always defended me. He loved me. Jr. and H had a great relationship, they laughed, they talked and Jr. thought H was good to me. Not only good , but he thought I was spoiled. H was always charming and wonderful around other people, I think that's why I always wanted to have people around. So when H got arrested I couldn't call Jr. I was still trying to defend H. Jr. DID not approve of men hitting women. So when my brothers partner called and told me Jr. was in the hospital , I felt it was a great time to get away, so I flew to Memphis. My parents met me at the hospital. None of us had any idea he had quit taking his AIDS medicine.None of us had any idea he ways days away from death. I went to Memphis to have some time alone, and to help my brother recover. When the Dr.s told us he wasbrain dead, my family decided to pull the plug. I thought H was at home taking care of our three kids. At least I didn't have to worry about them. H was actually on a plane to Memphis, without my knowledge or permission. As I took the elevator down to the hospital lobby, after watching my brother die, I heard someone say, " Have you seen H?" And then I heard my father say " Your a sight for sore eyes" , my family was happy to see him. I had to play along, my family was going through enough, but I wanted to scream. I wanted to mourn my brother, without worrying about H.
My mother died from COPD in August. She died a day after I learned my house was in foreclosure. My mother had been very ill for a long time. We had a sometimes wonderful, but mostly rocky relationship. My mother however was usually very good in a crisis. We were close, and she knew almost everything about me. She could be kind, she could be cruel. In the bathroom of the restaurant we went to after Jrs funeral, she told me I needed to " get over" H beating me. She did love me unconditionally though, and tried to be supportive as she watched me get back together with H time and time again. One thing for sure, I could always talk to her. I miss her and her voice, very much.
And H. Well I lost the idea of H. But I did lose someone to help with the kids, someone to mow the lawn ,and someone to watch a movie with.
Now for the things I have gained. I have gained honesty. I am not trying to pretend to have this perfect life anymore. It is what it is, I am what I am. I have gained the knowledge that people truly love me and I am not alone. I have learned that money and things don't really matter. I have had to let my wedding ring, house and other possessions go. Getting rid of stuff, physically and emotionally has been healing. I am looking forward to a simpler life. I have also gained a sense of humor, I cant tell you how many times I have laughed at the utter ridiculousness of it all. One day one of my friends commented on my eye make up, she said she liked it better lighter. She said when I wore it dark it made me look like I had a black eye. I laughed, and said,,,," how do you know , maybe I did!!" She laughed too, not an uncomfortable you poor thing laugh, but a real - 'I cant believe you just said that!" laugh. Most importantly though, I have learned life is short. When I was younger I thought only people who had resolved there issues died. That you only died after your life could fit into a pretty box with a bow on it. It didn't occur to me that you could die sad, mad or unhappy. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I need to make my life work. Today. I need to tell people I love them . Today. I do want to be happy. I would never be happy with H. I could survive. I could get through. I want more than that.
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