Someone to love, Something to do, and Something to hope for

I heard this saying , or some version of it somewhere and it really struck me. Everyone should have someone to love, something to do, and something to hope for.


Someone to love- Yes, I have my children. Yes , I have my family and friends. Dont get me wrong, without my children and my family and friends I honestly would not be here. I would be dead, by my hand or someone elses. Or in a mental institution, by my hand or someone elses! A partner in life, a love , someone who holds me when I cry, someone who makes my cheeks red when they look at me, I do not have. Life is too scary and messy , and wonderful and beautiful not to share. Now the complicated part,,, when will I be ready to look for this other person? How will I ever trust another person? Peoples advice to me...Dont date, your not ready... date but only casually.. hang out with your women friends. People in my life are scared for me. People in my life cant go through any of this again.

I am acutely aware how elusive love is for everyone.That even under the best circumstances people can be lonely.I am also acutely aware just how much I want it. How much I want to receive and give unconditional love. I would be good at it. I can be your best cheerleader. It is another thing H took away. Not only my love, my ability to hope for love. For all you neysayers out there who will tell me
" Dont let him take it away,,, you can choose to feel differently, it is not what happened to you , but how you handle it that counts.."  He took it away. He did. If someone steals your wallet, it doesnt matter how you feel about it, its still gone.


Something to do -  I was a stay at home mom for 12 years. I need a job. There was a time in my life along time ago when I was passionate about my job. I was a manager at McDonalds, and I loved it. I worked 60 hours a week , happily! Getting performance reviews was the best part of my year. Now I dont know what to do. If there was a magic fairy that told me I could have any job I wanted, I wouldnt know what to pick. Years of being told I made the wrong decisions has left me paralyzed. This is another thing I want people to understand, just because I havent been hit in 3 years, doesnt mean I dont struggle daily. Raising my kids is a gift that I am thankful for, it is not the same as completing a hard day of work and feeling like you  did a good job.

Something to hope for- Jonathan ( my 19 year old) asked me one day what I was excited about. It was after some thought that I said "nothing." He wondered if I was excited to move into our new house. I said "no, not really, I'm sad." The house I currently am living in has gotten foreclosed on. My father bought me a house near by  that I will rent from him, and hopefully buy from him someday. I am very fortunate . The best I can hope for is to try to take care of my kids, pay my bills and live my life in peace. I guess that is something.

I have been told this blog isnt very inspiring, and needs some kind of happy ending. Some kind of lesson. The lesson is this, abuse is far reaching and the effects are devastating. I am not going to pretend to be okay for other people. I am not okay. I am mad , I am bitter and I am dissapointed. Not only with H but with alot of other people. The lesson is also this, do not assume what people are going through. Ask. One thing almost no one did was ask me what it felt like to live with H. They assumed the violence was the worst of it, and once that was over , so were my problems. I did not tell the truth for years, about my life, my relationship , myself. I refuse to be " happy" or " over it" because it would make other people feel  more comfortable. That is how I got into this situation .

To end on a lighter note however..,,,,   I actually am feeling better, lighter, and even occasionally happy. I dont cry every day anymore. I laugh more, I even dance with my kids (when they let me!  they do not approve of my dance moves!) I have realized how incredibly lucky and blessed I am , for alot of reasons...So maybe one day I can write an inspiring blog....  Like a phoenix rising out of the ashes....
Just kidding , I DESPISE that analogy......Im not a phoenix and my life isnt in ashes.......maybe a swan..... I guess I will figure it out,,,,,,,,,