Sex with an abuser

I wouldn't say I was raped exactly. I had sex many times against my will however. One of the worst things that happened during my marriage was that my right to choose was taken away. My right to choose clothes. My right to choose friends. My right to choose who  and what I cared about. My right to choose when or if I had sex. He didnt physically hold me down, he didn't need to. The constant pressure, the constant badgering the constant guilt was more than enough. Daily.I felt the pressure constantly. I remember when he would leave for work I could breathe again, I still had about an hour before I had to get the kids up for school. I would sleep on my left side all night, even though my herniated disc in my neck  made sleeping on my left side almost unbearable. But with my back to H , and curled up tight I felt almost safe enough to sleep. That hour every day , when I could turn over , stretch out , sleep without worry , was heaven. When I was exhausted or just needed a break and I would reject him ( even though I would never really reject him, I would say I was tired, which I was . ) H would say things like " You never want sex, you must be getting it somewhere else" even when we had sex daily, or every other day. Or " I'm just so insecure, its not my fault, I dont feel loved, thats why I want (need) sex all the time" It got to the point I would try to say no, and he would spend hours badgering me until I would give in. It would literally go something like this , Me -" Fine , whatever" H-  " Ok"  Me- laying motionless, tears running down my face, head turned away. H - not caring about the tears, just annoyed I wasn't " into " it. Me- crying harder, H- " You know I cant deal with you when your crying" H- " why do you always try to wreck everything" . It always amazed me he could finish, I was like a weeping manequin. Frozen . Somehow it never bothered him enough to stop. When it was over he would get up , kiss me on the cheek, like we were a normal married couple that just made love. But we werent. I would feel hollow. Empty, like a hollow chocolate Easter bunny. I didn't even feel like crying, why bother. I felt gone.H wasn't much for affection, not privately anyway. In public he was very doting. Privately he would say he was just sooo attracted to me he couldn't touch me without being excited. Every hug was sexual. Every touch felt like a threat. I was so lonely. Soo confused. At the time I didnt know why I felt so bad all the time. I had a husband that wanted to have sex with me all the time.....why did I feel so shitty??? I know why now. Thats not how it should be. I would be angry at him if I still wasn't so frightened. But I am .