First Blog- an explanation

Waiting for a hurricane. Anyone who has lived in a hurricane zone knows what this feels like. It can take weeks. First few days your curiousity is peaked, is that tropical low going to turn into a storm? Next few days, is that tropical storm going to turn into a full fledged hurricane? Next few days, is that hurricane coming OUR way?  And thats when the fun starts. Trips to Walmart , gas station and ofcourse the liquor store. You have food and drink , batteries, and candles. And then you wait. When it finally comes, there is a sense of relief that goes with the fear, at least the wait is over. Its never as bad as it could have been.  Its never as good as you hoped. The weather is usually beautiful after. A sense of community erupts, neighbors helping neighbors clean up the mess. But the gorgeous tree that fell down, the one that shaded your picnics, the one that held the tire swing, can not be replaced.You can plant a new one, but it will take years to grow. And somehow it makes your whole yard, your whole house, your whole life feel different.

The same kind of waiting happens with domestic violence.There are signs, innocent to anyone but the victim. At first you try to brush them off. Maybe that smile was real? Maybe I'm getting the flu, and that would explain the pit in my stomache. So the cycle would begin. Small accusations. Little injustices. Feelings would get hurt, his ,not mine ofcourse. I would wait. Wait until the storm hit. I would brace myself and wait for it to be over. I would give tearful apologies, and beg him to forgive ME. I thought if I was better it would stop happening. A day or two later when the beating had a chance to settle in my 5'2  body, and the pain made it difficult to move, because he was a nice man , he would help with the kids. He would explain in his Dr. way that the deep purple and green meant the bruises were very deep, he suggested ice. And like the hurricane, the weather would clear, and life would go on.

I have heard stories of wives getting beaten by there perfect husbands on there wedding night.That was not the case with me. There were signs early on, not violent signs, but signs of abusive controlling behavior. I guess I am writing this because there are things about victims I would like to clear up. Ofcourse I cant speak for all victims, but I will speak for myself. By the time my husband first abused me ( grabbing me, shaking me, throwing me against walls, kicking me in the legs and back as hard as humanly possible) he had already emotionally abused me very severely. I have had people say to me " I would never let a man touch me, I would leave immediately!!"  What I have to say to those people is this. The person I am today (trying to be , every day is difficult) is not the person that got beaten.

I planted a new tree. I am trying to take care of it. I will never be the same. My children will never be the same. I am trying.