I haven't written for a while. I have been busy moving into the new house. And doing construction.My new house had a small enclosed , dark kitchen. So I decided to take a wall down. What I should of realized is taking the wall down led to a new ceiling , new light fixtures , a new floor and new cabinets. I am happy to say that with the help ( and love ) of alot of people, I now have a beautiful kitchen. My family has acted like Super -Heroes, swooping in and smashing sheet rock , ripping out the old, and sticking around to build the new. My father has given me a new life. Some how having my own space, making my own decisions , picking out paint colors has given me freedom.Freedom to think.I would have to say that was one of the worst things about being abused. The self-doubt abuse causes, it was like a fog on my brain. Having to think of every decision five different ways , because I knew no matter what H would turn it all around.If the decision I made turned out well its because he " let " me make it, and if it didn't , there would be hell to pay. I think my dad knew this. No matter how much I whined about not wanting him to help me, how he had done so much for me already, my father stayed firm. I was his daughter , and that was that. My father somehow has been able to see me through the fog. And he knew me being truly on my own would act like a big High Pressure system.
I can't help but wish this band of caped crusaders would have been there 3 years ago. Let me rephrase, would have been there the way I needed. I was sick , emotionally and physically. I acted out, I was crabby and I certainly didn't act the way anyone thought I should have. I drank too much. I went out too much. I cried every day in private, but in public I would tell stories of abuse like I was describing a spa treatment. I was detached to say the least. My family and friends did the best they could. My point is this, they didn't know what to do, I didn't or couldn't know what to do.
But here I am now, sitting in a house that so far has been filled with love and laughter. I am grateful. I am starting to remember how it feels to be okay. I am not the person I was before, hell I didn't like her that much anyway. I am a better , more understanding person. And as I look back over my life I can honestly say I did the best I could given the circumstances. Don't we all?
I can't imagine the thousands of women, who have been abused, and have to deal with what comes with that, usually low or no income, and don't have what I have. Abuse affects everything. Its hard to get a job when you feel worthless, or are fearing for your life. Its hard to be a good parent , when you are in need of a parent yourself. Abusers alienate everyone around there victims. It s a lonely , scary place to be. I am so fortunate, and the only thing I can try to do ( however not as well as I would like most days) is to stop the cycle and raise children that are respectful. In order to do that though, I need to be respectful. I am trying. I am a work in progress, just like my new house. And just like my new house I have been transformed by the help and love of my family.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Anger
I am an angry person. Sometimes it consumes me.I can feel it building in my stomach , and it oozes out of my pores. My anger creates an invisible ,but palpable energy field around me.My children might not see it with their eyes but they know when my " shields " are up. This is the thing I am most ashamed of. When my mood swings this way , my kids literally say " Have you been talking to Dad? Please don't talk to him." They used to try to hide my phone.When it is at it's worst , I yell at my kids. Completely rage. I look for things wrong so I have something to scream about. Unfortunately, I cant blame everything on H. I am responsible for my actions.
The reason I get so angry isn't because of the place I 'm at in my life. I will be okay, my kids will be okay. I feel denied of the anger I should of had then. When I was in a ball on the floor after H abused me, when I was crying at Wal-Mart because of H's cruelty. It keeps coming up and has no where to go. It hits me at the strangest times. One day I was at a jewelery store to see if they could fix some old earrings .It happened to be Wedding Day Jewelers. There was a man there who was very excited to propose to his future wife.I looked around, surrounded by wedding rings. My whole body felt sick, I had a sudden desire to just get OUT of there. When I got to my car I was shaking. It meant so much to me to be married, it was my whole life.The combination of H never asking me to marry him( he said , "If you still want to get married, okay" and shrugged his shoulders) the fact we had to sell my wedding ring because we needed the money and the reality that my marriage is really over was too much. At first I thought I was sad. And then I realized I was angry.
H does not appreciate my anger. He feels I need to get over it. He feels he gave me a great life that I never appreciated. Recently I have expressed my frustration about his parenting. In my opinion he treats our children like toys. When he wants to play with them, they should be there. When he doesn't feel like playing they should be on the shelf , sitting quietly. His job, friends and girlfriends have always come before the needs of my kids. The first year we were broken up he didn't give them one bath, or wash their clothes one time. Now he has decided he want to be a good father. I am concerned it won't last. We were arguing the other day and I said some things I shouldn't have Not because they were wrong, because they just don't matter any more. I said he always chose work over our family. He said his work gave us a great life in NC and I enjoyed the fruits of his labor. Great Life? I Enjoyed? H was so controlling with every penny. I didn't grocery shop by myself, I didn't pick out my own clothes. He would brag to people that I could buy whatever I wanted, that he wasn't controlling. Technically he was right. I had the physical ability to buy things. But emotionally, the repercussions were usually enough to keep me in line. I guess not having any freedom and getting beaten up are his ideas of a great life.
It is this disconnect that makes me angry. H's accounts of the past, - yes he abused me, but he has apologized.What do I want his blood? No he shouldn't of hurt me, but I have hurt him too. I had everything I ever wanted ( not sure why he thinks that , since he never asked me what I wanted!) why am I complaining. The truth is when we lost all our money and H's business wasn't successful, I actually thought it would humble him. I actually thought maybe he would come back to earth. He didn't . I am angry. I am angry at H. I am angry at myself.
I know how to fix it. Quit trying to get something from H that he can't give me. He will never justify my feelings.
But I finally realize that doesn't mean they're not justified.
I don't want to be angry any more. It is eating me alive. I think I am waiting for something. Permission maybe? Permission to be happy, to let go. Maybe ,I feel like if I let it go what happened won't matter. I feel like a crime was committed and no one got punished. Like I'm standing on a street corner screaming " That man stole my purse, that man stole my purse! " and every one walks on by.Not only walks by , but pats the man on the back. I want him punished. But I am really just punishing myself.
The reason I get so angry isn't because of the place I 'm at in my life. I will be okay, my kids will be okay. I feel denied of the anger I should of had then. When I was in a ball on the floor after H abused me, when I was crying at Wal-Mart because of H's cruelty. It keeps coming up and has no where to go. It hits me at the strangest times. One day I was at a jewelery store to see if they could fix some old earrings .It happened to be Wedding Day Jewelers. There was a man there who was very excited to propose to his future wife.I looked around, surrounded by wedding rings. My whole body felt sick, I had a sudden desire to just get OUT of there. When I got to my car I was shaking. It meant so much to me to be married, it was my whole life.The combination of H never asking me to marry him( he said , "If you still want to get married, okay" and shrugged his shoulders) the fact we had to sell my wedding ring because we needed the money and the reality that my marriage is really over was too much. At first I thought I was sad. And then I realized I was angry.
H does not appreciate my anger. He feels I need to get over it. He feels he gave me a great life that I never appreciated. Recently I have expressed my frustration about his parenting. In my opinion he treats our children like toys. When he wants to play with them, they should be there. When he doesn't feel like playing they should be on the shelf , sitting quietly. His job, friends and girlfriends have always come before the needs of my kids. The first year we were broken up he didn't give them one bath, or wash their clothes one time. Now he has decided he want to be a good father. I am concerned it won't last. We were arguing the other day and I said some things I shouldn't have Not because they were wrong, because they just don't matter any more. I said he always chose work over our family. He said his work gave us a great life in NC and I enjoyed the fruits of his labor. Great Life? I Enjoyed? H was so controlling with every penny. I didn't grocery shop by myself, I didn't pick out my own clothes. He would brag to people that I could buy whatever I wanted, that he wasn't controlling. Technically he was right. I had the physical ability to buy things. But emotionally, the repercussions were usually enough to keep me in line. I guess not having any freedom and getting beaten up are his ideas of a great life.
It is this disconnect that makes me angry. H's accounts of the past, - yes he abused me, but he has apologized.What do I want his blood? No he shouldn't of hurt me, but I have hurt him too. I had everything I ever wanted ( not sure why he thinks that , since he never asked me what I wanted!) why am I complaining. The truth is when we lost all our money and H's business wasn't successful, I actually thought it would humble him. I actually thought maybe he would come back to earth. He didn't . I am angry. I am angry at H. I am angry at myself.
I know how to fix it. Quit trying to get something from H that he can't give me. He will never justify my feelings.
But I finally realize that doesn't mean they're not justified.
I don't want to be angry any more. It is eating me alive. I think I am waiting for something. Permission maybe? Permission to be happy, to let go. Maybe ,I feel like if I let it go what happened won't matter. I feel like a crime was committed and no one got punished. Like I'm standing on a street corner screaming " That man stole my purse, that man stole my purse! " and every one walks on by.Not only walks by , but pats the man on the back. I want him punished. But I am really just punishing myself.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Fetal Position
Compared to alot of women, I had it pretty good. I never had black eyes, I never had broken bones. The ambulance never took me away. My husband is about 6'3 , 240 lbs. I am about 5'3 , 120 lbs. He liked to kick.He liked to throw. He never punched me. Maybe that's part of the reason I wasn't sure I was being abused .Long before there were bruises, there was pushing and shoving. And truth be told, at the beginning of our relationship I pushed him too. I would slam doors, I would slap him when he wouldn't let go of me. One day it occurred to me I should stop. I remember thinking that if the situation ever escalated, because on some level I knew it would, I wanted a clear conscience. I wanted to be able to say " I didn't touch him." And almost on cue, that's when the first real incidence happened. In a hotel , after a friends wedding. We were walking to our hotel from the bar arm in arm and laughing, but H was strange all night and I was scared.We said good bye to our friends , and H seemed okay. At least to anyone but me. An old friend from high school had said he had a crush on me 15 years before. Once inside the hotel room , things got ugly quick. I remember H saying " Why would he have a crush on you? No one would have a crush on you, He was just making his girlfriend jealous".
I was nervous to go to the wedding to begin with. It was H's friends, not mine. Young Chiropractors who thought they were important. They were all doing very well financially. They all knew I used to work at McDonald's and never let me forget it. H and I had recently had our first son. I gained alot of weight during the pregnancy, and worked extremely hard to lose it before the wedding. The attention I received was nice for me, not so nice for H.
First move , grab me by the arms , squeeze like a python and shake.His first move turned out to be very consistent over the years. If you ever see a woman with bruises on her upper arm, I would worry. Its a strange place to have a bruise unless someone put it there.Second move, throw me. Off the bed, on the bed, into a dresser. Once I would land somewhere I would curl up in a ball .I would try to cover my face , and protect my head. The first time this happened, I thought once he saw me cowering in a ball on the floor he would stop. Instead of stopping , my back became a target. For his foot.Again and again. I of course was crying and screaming " Please stop, Please stop!" And of course ,I was begging for forgiveness. " I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Sometimes I would stay in the fetal position for a long time, waiting for him to cool down. Sometimes he would pick me up while I was still in that position and move me to the bed. I felt like a turtle, safe inside my own little world. My shirt was usually soaked with tears, snot and wetness all over. My hair matted to my red and puffy face.Sometimes , he would try to unravel me, but I would stay stiff like a statue. And when it was over, it really had just begun. The sex to prove I loved him. The coldness for days because I had hurt his feelings. After the first time, we had a two hour drive back home. I cried the whole way, begging him to forgive me, I don't remember what for. It was summer in NC ,short sleeve weather. My mind was racing, how would I do this?? I remember being so thankful I had brought a long sleeve sweatshirt . It would cover the bruises on my arms.The bruises on my back no one would see, I just wouldn't go swimming. There was a babysitter at home, and I remember being almost happy . Happy and proud that no one would know. Proud of the fact we had a secret between us. I felt I had accomplished something when the baby sitter had asked why I had a sweatshirt on and I simply told her I had been chilled in the air conditioning. See ,,, I could be a good wife. I became a liar that day. And I stayed a liar for a long , long time.
Some years later I needed to have a spinal tap. "Fetal position please. " the Doctor said. My body knew what to do. Brace , hang on, it would soon be over. I still can't get in that position without shaking. They thought I might have MS , or a brain tumor. But seriously the most traumatic thing I went through that day was the position I was in. Lying there , still and waiting for the pain. Too much. The scariest thing H ever did to me was the day the fetal position didn't work anymore. And he said " No, your not hiding your face from me. " I had fingerprints on my neck and jaw from where he grabbed me.
Funny, no one noticed.
I was nervous to go to the wedding to begin with. It was H's friends, not mine. Young Chiropractors who thought they were important. They were all doing very well financially. They all knew I used to work at McDonald's and never let me forget it. H and I had recently had our first son. I gained alot of weight during the pregnancy, and worked extremely hard to lose it before the wedding. The attention I received was nice for me, not so nice for H.
First move , grab me by the arms , squeeze like a python and shake.His first move turned out to be very consistent over the years. If you ever see a woman with bruises on her upper arm, I would worry. Its a strange place to have a bruise unless someone put it there.Second move, throw me. Off the bed, on the bed, into a dresser. Once I would land somewhere I would curl up in a ball .I would try to cover my face , and protect my head. The first time this happened, I thought once he saw me cowering in a ball on the floor he would stop. Instead of stopping , my back became a target. For his foot.Again and again. I of course was crying and screaming " Please stop, Please stop!" And of course ,I was begging for forgiveness. " I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Sometimes I would stay in the fetal position for a long time, waiting for him to cool down. Sometimes he would pick me up while I was still in that position and move me to the bed. I felt like a turtle, safe inside my own little world. My shirt was usually soaked with tears, snot and wetness all over. My hair matted to my red and puffy face.Sometimes , he would try to unravel me, but I would stay stiff like a statue. And when it was over, it really had just begun. The sex to prove I loved him. The coldness for days because I had hurt his feelings. After the first time, we had a two hour drive back home. I cried the whole way, begging him to forgive me, I don't remember what for. It was summer in NC ,short sleeve weather. My mind was racing, how would I do this?? I remember being so thankful I had brought a long sleeve sweatshirt . It would cover the bruises on my arms.The bruises on my back no one would see, I just wouldn't go swimming. There was a babysitter at home, and I remember being almost happy . Happy and proud that no one would know. Proud of the fact we had a secret between us. I felt I had accomplished something when the baby sitter had asked why I had a sweatshirt on and I simply told her I had been chilled in the air conditioning. See ,,, I could be a good wife. I became a liar that day. And I stayed a liar for a long , long time.
Some years later I needed to have a spinal tap. "Fetal position please. " the Doctor said. My body knew what to do. Brace , hang on, it would soon be over. I still can't get in that position without shaking. They thought I might have MS , or a brain tumor. But seriously the most traumatic thing I went through that day was the position I was in. Lying there , still and waiting for the pain. Too much. The scariest thing H ever did to me was the day the fetal position didn't work anymore. And he said " No, your not hiding your face from me. " I had fingerprints on my neck and jaw from where he grabbed me.
Funny, no one noticed.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Ultimate control,,,,money
This is kind of a long complicated story. I will try to compress....
H (and I ) used to own a very successful Chiropractic Office in NC. I worked there occasionally, but even though I had over 10 years of management experience , hiring ,giving performance reviews, setting goals, etc. I had very limited input. I was raising 3 kids , so I tried not to let it bother me that even if I had the tiniest suggestion H would do the exact opposite thing. We moved back to MN about 3 years ago to be near our family. H (and I ) opened up another Chiropractic office in MN. We hired a nanny , and I went to work full time. We fought . Alot. He would fight my ideas even if they were the right thing to do. H got arrested 4 months after we opened. Long story short, the business failed.
H decided to open up an office in another location with a partner. During this time , I filed for divorce. Then we got back together. H and his partner moved locations again. There business did OK, but not well enough for H to pay the house payment. We got deeper and deeper into debt. We broke up and got back together , I honestly don't even know how many times. Several. Without telling me , H dissolved his partnership with his business partner. He did this only on paper. They were still functioning as partners, with H doing most of the work. But without legal ties, H legally did not show much income. Fast forward to this summer. H and I were together, barely. My mother was terminally ill. My friend owned a teeth whitening business in another city. She told me it would be a great job for me, I could set my own hours and own my own business. H and I discussed it would be great for our family to have the extra income, and give me something to feel good about. H started texting and calling my friend without my knowledge. H was asking alot of detailed questions about what was intented to be my business.
We started to have alot of conversations with my friend. It seemed like something I really wanted to do, I was excited to have something of my own. I talked to my dad about borrowing money. H and I decided since his business wasn't doing well with his partner, he and I would share a space, he would do Chiropractic , I would do teeth whitening. We even negotiated a lease. During this time we found out our house was being foreclosed on. We started really going through our financials and realized we could not get out of the mountain of debt having a failing business created. We decided to declare bankruptcy. Our joint business venture would have to wait. We couldn't open a new business until the bankruptcy was over. It would take about 3 months. Some time during all of this my mother passed away. I'm not sure the exact timing , it was all a blur.
H was not happy about waiting to open the business. In fact he was rather unhappy. He wanted me to have my father just put it in his name until everything was clear. I said no, we could just wait, it would give us time to prepare. I should of seen the wheels turning in his head. H wants what he wants. H sold the idea of teeth whitening to his business partner, who was technically his boss, since H had no legal claim to the practice anymore. They decided to do it in their office. Without asking me or telling me. He kept it from me for I don't know how long. I think the equipment had already been ordered before I found out. I was very angry when I found out, one of the conditions of H being back at the house was no more lying. He had lied a million times so I didn't find out he had stabbed me in the back. My dream of having something of my own was gone. Not only that , but if the business was successful the profits wouldn't even be ours.
H claimed he was just thinking of our family, we needed to make more money. H claimed I could still open my own business someday, that it didn't matter if we were direct competition.When I asked H if I could help him do teeth whitening at his office, since I didn't have a job, and he needed help, his response was NO. His business partner didn't want me in their office. H had moved out again, I made it clear I did not want to break up, and I would not date anyone or get involved in any way with any other man, and he agreed he would do the same.I actually forgave him, and we were going to try to work it out again. Until the night my 12 year old was upset with H , and said " You only care about your girlfriend!"
Of course I rose to H's defense, " That was along time ago, when Mom and Dad were getting divorced , Dad doesn't have a girlfriend now" to which my son said " Oh yeah,, then why did we go to a movie with her and her 3 kids 2 days ago?"
Fast forward to today, I'm moving out of my foreclosed house. H s teeth whitening business just made $17,000 in one day off an add they placed on the Internet. H s business partner isn't even in this state, he left H to run everything. And when I asked if H if he would be able to give me more money this month because I have proof his business is working, his response " I didn't make any money, I'm just an employee." Also , he is telling people my friends company trained him!!! Lie , lie , lie......
So the moral of this really long , somewhat boring story is this. H didn't really want a teeth whitening business, H did not want me to have my own business. So he stole my idea for a business to help our family , and now hes saying it wont even help our family. We had decided he would take the kids on Wednesday nights and of course something came up so he couldn't, ( he was very busy at work, NOT making any money ) , and now he thinks he should be able to take them Saturday, because they're like toys for him to play with. I feel like I am fighting King Kong, he knows how to play the system and is always one step ahead of me. I need to get a lawyer involved, because he thinks he only has to give me money when he wants to. He is alot of things , but stupid isn't one of them. He will just tell his "partner" how much income he wants to show. And that's what my child support will be based on. I understand he hates me, why does he want to hurt our kids? Its not like I'm getting manicures, I'm buying groceries.This is why abused women don't leave.
You have to weigh the pain. Which will be worse?? Getting abused and sharing a house, or getting abused and being completely and utterly alone??
Honestly, I'm not sure yet........
I'm sorry for the rambling today, I'm just amazed at how many ways someone can hurt you.......
H (and I ) used to own a very successful Chiropractic Office in NC. I worked there occasionally, but even though I had over 10 years of management experience , hiring ,giving performance reviews, setting goals, etc. I had very limited input. I was raising 3 kids , so I tried not to let it bother me that even if I had the tiniest suggestion H would do the exact opposite thing. We moved back to MN about 3 years ago to be near our family. H (and I ) opened up another Chiropractic office in MN. We hired a nanny , and I went to work full time. We fought . Alot. He would fight my ideas even if they were the right thing to do. H got arrested 4 months after we opened. Long story short, the business failed.
H decided to open up an office in another location with a partner. During this time , I filed for divorce. Then we got back together. H and his partner moved locations again. There business did OK, but not well enough for H to pay the house payment. We got deeper and deeper into debt. We broke up and got back together , I honestly don't even know how many times. Several. Without telling me , H dissolved his partnership with his business partner. He did this only on paper. They were still functioning as partners, with H doing most of the work. But without legal ties, H legally did not show much income. Fast forward to this summer. H and I were together, barely. My mother was terminally ill. My friend owned a teeth whitening business in another city. She told me it would be a great job for me, I could set my own hours and own my own business. H and I discussed it would be great for our family to have the extra income, and give me something to feel good about. H started texting and calling my friend without my knowledge. H was asking alot of detailed questions about what was intented to be my business.
We started to have alot of conversations with my friend. It seemed like something I really wanted to do, I was excited to have something of my own. I talked to my dad about borrowing money. H and I decided since his business wasn't doing well with his partner, he and I would share a space, he would do Chiropractic , I would do teeth whitening. We even negotiated a lease. During this time we found out our house was being foreclosed on. We started really going through our financials and realized we could not get out of the mountain of debt having a failing business created. We decided to declare bankruptcy. Our joint business venture would have to wait. We couldn't open a new business until the bankruptcy was over. It would take about 3 months. Some time during all of this my mother passed away. I'm not sure the exact timing , it was all a blur.
H was not happy about waiting to open the business. In fact he was rather unhappy. He wanted me to have my father just put it in his name until everything was clear. I said no, we could just wait, it would give us time to prepare. I should of seen the wheels turning in his head. H wants what he wants. H sold the idea of teeth whitening to his business partner, who was technically his boss, since H had no legal claim to the practice anymore. They decided to do it in their office. Without asking me or telling me. He kept it from me for I don't know how long. I think the equipment had already been ordered before I found out. I was very angry when I found out, one of the conditions of H being back at the house was no more lying. He had lied a million times so I didn't find out he had stabbed me in the back. My dream of having something of my own was gone. Not only that , but if the business was successful the profits wouldn't even be ours.
H claimed he was just thinking of our family, we needed to make more money. H claimed I could still open my own business someday, that it didn't matter if we were direct competition.When I asked H if I could help him do teeth whitening at his office, since I didn't have a job, and he needed help, his response was NO. His business partner didn't want me in their office. H had moved out again, I made it clear I did not want to break up, and I would not date anyone or get involved in any way with any other man, and he agreed he would do the same.I actually forgave him, and we were going to try to work it out again. Until the night my 12 year old was upset with H , and said " You only care about your girlfriend!"
Of course I rose to H's defense, " That was along time ago, when Mom and Dad were getting divorced , Dad doesn't have a girlfriend now" to which my son said " Oh yeah,, then why did we go to a movie with her and her 3 kids 2 days ago?"
Fast forward to today, I'm moving out of my foreclosed house. H s teeth whitening business just made $17,000 in one day off an add they placed on the Internet. H s business partner isn't even in this state, he left H to run everything. And when I asked if H if he would be able to give me more money this month because I have proof his business is working, his response " I didn't make any money, I'm just an employee." Also , he is telling people my friends company trained him!!! Lie , lie , lie......
So the moral of this really long , somewhat boring story is this. H didn't really want a teeth whitening business, H did not want me to have my own business. So he stole my idea for a business to help our family , and now hes saying it wont even help our family. We had decided he would take the kids on Wednesday nights and of course something came up so he couldn't, ( he was very busy at work, NOT making any money ) , and now he thinks he should be able to take them Saturday, because they're like toys for him to play with. I feel like I am fighting King Kong, he knows how to play the system and is always one step ahead of me. I need to get a lawyer involved, because he thinks he only has to give me money when he wants to. He is alot of things , but stupid isn't one of them. He will just tell his "partner" how much income he wants to show. And that's what my child support will be based on. I understand he hates me, why does he want to hurt our kids? Its not like I'm getting manicures, I'm buying groceries.This is why abused women don't leave.
You have to weigh the pain. Which will be worse?? Getting abused and sharing a house, or getting abused and being completely and utterly alone??
Honestly, I'm not sure yet........
I'm sorry for the rambling today, I'm just amazed at how many ways someone can hurt you.......
Thursday, January 27, 2011
New Beginnings
Tomorrow I officially have a new house. I should be happy. I should at the very least be relieved. The was a time when I honestly didn't know if I would have any place to live, let alone a beautiful house of my own.( Thanks to my Dad, but that's another story.) But I am incredibly sad. I can't keep the tears in. I realize my relationship with H is finally over. When I called him crying, he wouldn't even answer his phone. In the process of packing, I found my old wedding band. I thought it accidentally got thrown away 4 years ago. Strange I would find it today. I've been trying to share with H how difficult it is to go through all our stuff , all our memories. All our happy memories. My marriage meant everything to me. The failure of it is still devastating , to me. He honestly doesn't care. I found out today he has lied about more things. Things that didn't need lies. I am still shocked every time I find out. I feel a sadness deep in my bones, an ache that won't go away. Not only for where my life is now, 41 , alone , and left with all this responsibility, but for what I thought my life was.
As strange as it sounds, I thought H loved me. Not the way I needed , not the way I deserved, but the only way he could. Destructive , wild , possessive and jealous. But still in his own way, love. Now I know he never did love me. All my nights sobbing on the bathroom floor were for nothing. Nothing. I might as well have been upset over George Clooney, I probably would have gotten more of a response. My choosing to have my Dad help me get a house, ( a stable place for our kids, my Dad won't throw me out if H refuses to pay child support and I can't pay rent ) is yet another betrayal that H will never forgive me for. I still find myself asking, " why didn't he love me?" Instead of me picturing my new life without enduring daily abuse, I find myself thinking about how H will have a happy new life with a new woman. Anyway.... hopefully I will feel better tomorrow. I am just very sad...... It shouldn't of been like this.....
As strange as it sounds, I thought H loved me. Not the way I needed , not the way I deserved, but the only way he could. Destructive , wild , possessive and jealous. But still in his own way, love. Now I know he never did love me. All my nights sobbing on the bathroom floor were for nothing. Nothing. I might as well have been upset over George Clooney, I probably would have gotten more of a response. My choosing to have my Dad help me get a house, ( a stable place for our kids, my Dad won't throw me out if H refuses to pay child support and I can't pay rent ) is yet another betrayal that H will never forgive me for. I still find myself asking, " why didn't he love me?" Instead of me picturing my new life without enduring daily abuse, I find myself thinking about how H will have a happy new life with a new woman. Anyway.... hopefully I will feel better tomorrow. I am just very sad...... It shouldn't of been like this.....
Friday, January 21, 2011
Abused? Who me
Domestic Violence. Abuse. Wife Beater. What do these words mean? The media likes to portray these things as a man in a dirty t-shirt, drinking beer and complaining about his supper. Everyone cowers around him. Or as a handsome control freak, checking the order of canned food and hand towels. Very rarely , if ever , have I seen an abusive relationship seem normal from the outside.On TV and the movies the bad guy is pretty easy to spot.
My children ran into there fathers arms. We had dinner parties. People laughed at his jokes. Women would comment on how wonderful H was. Someone actually said to me once, " If you two ever get divorced , theres no hope for anyone!" . I think she meant we were so happy, so in love, she couldnt imagine it not lasting forever. I was so attached to the public perception of "us" that I honestly did not think I was being abused. It didn't occur to me. AT ALL. Even after I was beaten dozens of times. I also thought I knew what a "wife beater " was. He didnt look any thing like my husband. People liked my husband.If what my husband was doing was so bad, people wouldnt like him , right?
Even though most people had no idea what was really happening, some people had a clue. Some people had more than a clue. H beat me once at my sisters house. I thought my arm was broken. She promptly gave me an ice pack, but said nothing. She did not call the police. She did not ask me any questions. H told me on the way home that my brother in law , pulled him a side and said, " I understand, I know how those Thompson girls are." Now to the defense of my brother -in -law, H lies alot. Even if that wasnt what was said, the fact that they did nothing put there stamp of approval on what happened. There stamp of approval gave H more power than ever. That little part of him that knew it was wrong was gone. That little part of me that had any hope that I would get help, was also gone.
After this incident , I really felt like I wasnt a person anymore. I felt like a dog that had misbehaved. H beat me on and off for 10 years. It wasnt until he got arrested that I realized what he was doing was wrong. He got arrested because he beat me at a New Years Eve party in front of my neighbors, who called the police. Yes, INFRONT of my neighbors. When he went to jail , it was shocking to me. Shocking.I can only imagine the look on my face when the police officer told me they took him to jail . I almost asked what for. I am an intelligent person, I come from a good family, and I had no idea. It is amazing to me now how far away from myself I was. Once he got arrested the police become involved and they have people who suggest counseling etc.. I thought " what for?" I did NOT want to label myself that way. The media does not portray victims of domestic violence that great either. ( Even though I look alot like Julia Roberts LOL!) I did not want to be perceived as weak, or stupid, and I couldn't bear to hear " why didn't you just leave?"
More to come soon,,,,
My children ran into there fathers arms. We had dinner parties. People laughed at his jokes. Women would comment on how wonderful H was. Someone actually said to me once, " If you two ever get divorced , theres no hope for anyone!" . I think she meant we were so happy, so in love, she couldnt imagine it not lasting forever. I was so attached to the public perception of "us" that I honestly did not think I was being abused. It didn't occur to me. AT ALL. Even after I was beaten dozens of times. I also thought I knew what a "wife beater " was. He didnt look any thing like my husband. People liked my husband.If what my husband was doing was so bad, people wouldnt like him , right?
Even though most people had no idea what was really happening, some people had a clue. Some people had more than a clue. H beat me once at my sisters house. I thought my arm was broken. She promptly gave me an ice pack, but said nothing. She did not call the police. She did not ask me any questions. H told me on the way home that my brother in law , pulled him a side and said, " I understand, I know how those Thompson girls are." Now to the defense of my brother -in -law, H lies alot. Even if that wasnt what was said, the fact that they did nothing put there stamp of approval on what happened. There stamp of approval gave H more power than ever. That little part of him that knew it was wrong was gone. That little part of me that had any hope that I would get help, was also gone.
After this incident , I really felt like I wasnt a person anymore. I felt like a dog that had misbehaved. H beat me on and off for 10 years. It wasnt until he got arrested that I realized what he was doing was wrong. He got arrested because he beat me at a New Years Eve party in front of my neighbors, who called the police. Yes, INFRONT of my neighbors. When he went to jail , it was shocking to me. Shocking.I can only imagine the look on my face when the police officer told me they took him to jail . I almost asked what for. I am an intelligent person, I come from a good family, and I had no idea. It is amazing to me now how far away from myself I was. Once he got arrested the police become involved and they have people who suggest counseling etc.. I thought " what for?" I did NOT want to label myself that way. The media does not portray victims of domestic violence that great either. ( Even though I look alot like Julia Roberts LOL!) I did not want to be perceived as weak, or stupid, and I couldn't bear to hear " why didn't you just leave?"
More to come soon,,,,
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Lost and Found
The last few years have been difficult. I have been trying to untangle myself from a very sticky web. Today I am going to talk about the things I have lost, but I also want to talk about all the things I have gained. Not only did I lose my marriage, my house and all my money. I lost four of the most important people in my life. My mother and my two brothers passed away. The fourth person , is of course my husband. Trying to maneuver through life without these people has been unbearable.
My brother Cliff died 10 years ago from AIDS. Cliff was my first love. He was 10 years older than me. We would dance in the living room, he would braid my hair, he took me to lunch. Even as I got older we stayed very close. He loved me unconditionally , and was also very honest with me. My mother and father went to visit him in California to help him find an apartment closer to his Medical Clinic. After my father returned from a jog, he tried to wake my brother. My brother was dead. Between you and I , I think my brother died of an overdose.Because he had AIDS there was no foul play suspected and it was as simple as that. My artistic , talented brother was sick of his hands not working , sick of his memory being gone. Sick of being sick. With my parents there , they would take care of things after he was gone. I was blind sided and devastated. We all knew he was sick , but I was hoping to see him one more time. The funeral was planned in MN. I begged H to go with me. Literally begged him. He " couldn't " go. I barely talked to him when I was in MN ( we were living in NC) . After the funeral , I remember sitting in my sisters bedroom and bawling, trying to get in contact with him. He didn't answer the phone. I found out later, he had a friend over the night before and was so hungover, he was asleep. After I returned to NC , when I went to vacuum , the vacuum smelled horrible. He was supposed to be taking care of our one year old son. I learned he put him to bed early, and let him cry, while him and his friend got wasted. The vacuum was used to clean up the throw up. H lied to me about what really happened for a long long time. Not that any of that really matters but that's what I remember about my brother dying, needing H, and him needing to get drunk.
My brother Jr. died three years ago from AIDS. He died several weeks after H got arrested for domestic assault. Jr. loved H. H loved Jr. We bought plane tickets for Jr. to come visit us in NC ( Jr. lived in Memphis), we spent Christmases , birthdays and baptisms together. My children loved him. I loved him. He gave me the best Christmas present I have ever and will ever receive. He wrote me a letter. He told me how proud he was of me, and what a great person I was becoming. He always thought the best of me. He always defended me. He loved me. Jr. and H had a great relationship, they laughed, they talked and Jr. thought H was good to me. Not only good , but he thought I was spoiled. H was always charming and wonderful around other people, I think that's why I always wanted to have people around. So when H got arrested I couldn't call Jr. I was still trying to defend H. Jr. DID not approve of men hitting women. So when my brothers partner called and told me Jr. was in the hospital , I felt it was a great time to get away, so I flew to Memphis. My parents met me at the hospital. None of us had any idea he had quit taking his AIDS medicine.None of us had any idea he ways days away from death. I went to Memphis to have some time alone, and to help my brother recover. When the Dr.s told us he wasbrain dead, my family decided to pull the plug. I thought H was at home taking care of our three kids. At least I didn't have to worry about them. H was actually on a plane to Memphis, without my knowledge or permission. As I took the elevator down to the hospital lobby, after watching my brother die, I heard someone say, " Have you seen H?" And then I heard my father say " Your a sight for sore eyes" , my family was happy to see him. I had to play along, my family was going through enough, but I wanted to scream. I wanted to mourn my brother, without worrying about H.
My mother died from COPD in August. She died a day after I learned my house was in foreclosure. My mother had been very ill for a long time. We had a sometimes wonderful, but mostly rocky relationship. My mother however was usually very good in a crisis. We were close, and she knew almost everything about me. She could be kind, she could be cruel. In the bathroom of the restaurant we went to after Jrs funeral, she told me I needed to " get over" H beating me. She did love me unconditionally though, and tried to be supportive as she watched me get back together with H time and time again. One thing for sure, I could always talk to her. I miss her and her voice, very much.
And H. Well I lost the idea of H. But I did lose someone to help with the kids, someone to mow the lawn ,and someone to watch a movie with.
Now for the things I have gained. I have gained honesty. I am not trying to pretend to have this perfect life anymore. It is what it is, I am what I am. I have gained the knowledge that people truly love me and I am not alone. I have learned that money and things don't really matter. I have had to let my wedding ring, house and other possessions go. Getting rid of stuff, physically and emotionally has been healing. I am looking forward to a simpler life. I have also gained a sense of humor, I cant tell you how many times I have laughed at the utter ridiculousness of it all. One day one of my friends commented on my eye make up, she said she liked it better lighter. She said when I wore it dark it made me look like I had a black eye. I laughed, and said,,,," how do you know , maybe I did!!" She laughed too, not an uncomfortable you poor thing laugh, but a real - 'I cant believe you just said that!" laugh. Most importantly though, I have learned life is short. When I was younger I thought only people who had resolved there issues died. That you only died after your life could fit into a pretty box with a bow on it. It didn't occur to me that you could die sad, mad or unhappy. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I need to make my life work. Today. I need to tell people I love them . Today. I do want to be happy. I would never be happy with H. I could survive. I could get through. I want more than that.
My brother Cliff died 10 years ago from AIDS. Cliff was my first love. He was 10 years older than me. We would dance in the living room, he would braid my hair, he took me to lunch. Even as I got older we stayed very close. He loved me unconditionally , and was also very honest with me. My mother and father went to visit him in California to help him find an apartment closer to his Medical Clinic. After my father returned from a jog, he tried to wake my brother. My brother was dead. Between you and I , I think my brother died of an overdose.Because he had AIDS there was no foul play suspected and it was as simple as that. My artistic , talented brother was sick of his hands not working , sick of his memory being gone. Sick of being sick. With my parents there , they would take care of things after he was gone. I was blind sided and devastated. We all knew he was sick , but I was hoping to see him one more time. The funeral was planned in MN. I begged H to go with me. Literally begged him. He " couldn't " go. I barely talked to him when I was in MN ( we were living in NC) . After the funeral , I remember sitting in my sisters bedroom and bawling, trying to get in contact with him. He didn't answer the phone. I found out later, he had a friend over the night before and was so hungover, he was asleep. After I returned to NC , when I went to vacuum , the vacuum smelled horrible. He was supposed to be taking care of our one year old son. I learned he put him to bed early, and let him cry, while him and his friend got wasted. The vacuum was used to clean up the throw up. H lied to me about what really happened for a long long time. Not that any of that really matters but that's what I remember about my brother dying, needing H, and him needing to get drunk.
My brother Jr. died three years ago from AIDS. He died several weeks after H got arrested for domestic assault. Jr. loved H. H loved Jr. We bought plane tickets for Jr. to come visit us in NC ( Jr. lived in Memphis), we spent Christmases , birthdays and baptisms together. My children loved him. I loved him. He gave me the best Christmas present I have ever and will ever receive. He wrote me a letter. He told me how proud he was of me, and what a great person I was becoming. He always thought the best of me. He always defended me. He loved me. Jr. and H had a great relationship, they laughed, they talked and Jr. thought H was good to me. Not only good , but he thought I was spoiled. H was always charming and wonderful around other people, I think that's why I always wanted to have people around. So when H got arrested I couldn't call Jr. I was still trying to defend H. Jr. DID not approve of men hitting women. So when my brothers partner called and told me Jr. was in the hospital , I felt it was a great time to get away, so I flew to Memphis. My parents met me at the hospital. None of us had any idea he had quit taking his AIDS medicine.None of us had any idea he ways days away from death. I went to Memphis to have some time alone, and to help my brother recover. When the Dr.s told us he wasbrain dead, my family decided to pull the plug. I thought H was at home taking care of our three kids. At least I didn't have to worry about them. H was actually on a plane to Memphis, without my knowledge or permission. As I took the elevator down to the hospital lobby, after watching my brother die, I heard someone say, " Have you seen H?" And then I heard my father say " Your a sight for sore eyes" , my family was happy to see him. I had to play along, my family was going through enough, but I wanted to scream. I wanted to mourn my brother, without worrying about H.
My mother died from COPD in August. She died a day after I learned my house was in foreclosure. My mother had been very ill for a long time. We had a sometimes wonderful, but mostly rocky relationship. My mother however was usually very good in a crisis. We were close, and she knew almost everything about me. She could be kind, she could be cruel. In the bathroom of the restaurant we went to after Jrs funeral, she told me I needed to " get over" H beating me. She did love me unconditionally though, and tried to be supportive as she watched me get back together with H time and time again. One thing for sure, I could always talk to her. I miss her and her voice, very much.
And H. Well I lost the idea of H. But I did lose someone to help with the kids, someone to mow the lawn ,and someone to watch a movie with.
Now for the things I have gained. I have gained honesty. I am not trying to pretend to have this perfect life anymore. It is what it is, I am what I am. I have gained the knowledge that people truly love me and I am not alone. I have learned that money and things don't really matter. I have had to let my wedding ring, house and other possessions go. Getting rid of stuff, physically and emotionally has been healing. I am looking forward to a simpler life. I have also gained a sense of humor, I cant tell you how many times I have laughed at the utter ridiculousness of it all. One day one of my friends commented on my eye make up, she said she liked it better lighter. She said when I wore it dark it made me look like I had a black eye. I laughed, and said,,,," how do you know , maybe I did!!" She laughed too, not an uncomfortable you poor thing laugh, but a real - 'I cant believe you just said that!" laugh. Most importantly though, I have learned life is short. When I was younger I thought only people who had resolved there issues died. That you only died after your life could fit into a pretty box with a bow on it. It didn't occur to me that you could die sad, mad or unhappy. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I need to make my life work. Today. I need to tell people I love them . Today. I do want to be happy. I would never be happy with H. I could survive. I could get through. I want more than that.
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