Sex with an abuser

I wouldn't say I was raped exactly. I had sex many times against my will however. One of the worst things that happened during my marriage was that my right to choose was taken away. My right to choose clothes. My right to choose friends. My right to choose who  and what I cared about. My right to choose when or if I had sex. He didnt physically hold me down, he didn't need to. The constant pressure, the constant badgering the constant guilt was more than enough. Daily.I felt the pressure constantly. I remember when he would leave for work I could breathe again, I still had about an hour before I had to get the kids up for school. I would sleep on my left side all night, even though my herniated disc in my neck  made sleeping on my left side almost unbearable. But with my back to H , and curled up tight I felt almost safe enough to sleep. That hour every day , when I could turn over , stretch out , sleep without worry , was heaven. When I was exhausted or just needed a break and I would reject him ( even though I would never really reject him, I would say I was tired, which I was . ) H would say things like " You never want sex, you must be getting it somewhere else" even when we had sex daily, or every other day. Or " I'm just so insecure, its not my fault, I dont feel loved, thats why I want (need) sex all the time" It got to the point I would try to say no, and he would spend hours badgering me until I would give in. It would literally go something like this , Me -" Fine , whatever" H-  " Ok"  Me- laying motionless, tears running down my face, head turned away. H - not caring about the tears, just annoyed I wasn't " into " it. Me- crying harder, H- " You know I cant deal with you when your crying" H- " why do you always try to wreck everything" . It always amazed me he could finish, I was like a weeping manequin. Frozen . Somehow it never bothered him enough to stop. When it was over he would get up , kiss me on the cheek, like we were a normal married couple that just made love. But we werent. I would feel hollow. Empty, like a hollow chocolate Easter bunny. I didn't even feel like crying, why bother. I felt gone.H wasn't much for affection, not privately anyway. In public he was very doting. Privately he would say he was just sooo attracted to me he couldn't touch me without being excited. Every hug was sexual. Every touch felt like a threat. I was so lonely. Soo confused. At the time I didnt know why I felt so bad all the time. I had a husband that wanted to have sex with me all the time.....why did I feel so shitty??? I know why now. Thats not how it should be. I would be angry at him if I still wasn't so frightened. But I am .

caged animal

I keep having conflicts with people in my life. People I love and care about, people who love and care about me. They say I am overly sensitive and take there words all wrong. I say I am a caged animal looking to stay alive. I am overly sensitive.My life depended on it. I am always looking for hidden meanings in peoples innocent words. In the past if I let my guard down, or believed H had "good " intentions there would be serious repurcussions. I take help and advice for control and judgement. I know this, but I will not apologize for feeling this way. The ONLY thing someone who has been abused needs is love and support. And for those of you who feel my abuse was in my past and I need to get over it,,,,, you just don't get it. It is not a choice for me,,,the fear is still there daily. H still enters my mind hourly. I am still scared of the repurcussions. It is getting better, but it is not gone.  Would you excpect a POW to be "normal " after a few months. I am taking care of my kids, I am taking care of my life, I am working, paying bills ,trying to do the right thing.  I'm sorry I am not enough for all of you.......just like I wasn't enough for H. On a side note whenever anyone says" After all I did for you!"  maybe they should'nt of done it in the first place. If your helping someone to get something in return, don't help,  if your helping someone to " buy" an opinion, don't help.

A letter to H

H-

The systematic way you turned me into a person that couldn't fight back, disgusts me. The fact that you turned my life into a life only lived for you angers me. If a stranger had done the things to me that you have done they would be in prison. Or at the very least shunned by society. The thought of you walking in the world laughing and smiling makes me vomit. The scariest thing to me is that our children , beautiful and innocent, share your DNA. The fiction that runs through your brain every second of every day is laughable. If someone was raped in a dark alley, they certainly wouldn't be expected to be pleasant to there rapist at trial. To calmy work out custody issues, and be accommodating. There is a part  of me dark, and heavy like stone, that will  never recover, never fully trust anyone again. But there is a part of me that grows stronger everyday that whirls and twirls like a top, spinning , spinning and is about to shatter the illusion of you. I realize now, despite your best efforts, it didn't work, I am not broken.  I was in a dream, full of false beliefs, false hopes and a false sense of who I was. I am awake, and what I see when I look at you  is a disgusting human being, who I know in my heart is capable of anything.

Anything  , but destroying me.

Renovations

I haven't written for a while. I have been busy moving into the new house. And doing construction.My new house had a small enclosed , dark kitchen. So I decided to take a wall down. What I should of realized is taking the wall down led to a new ceiling , new light fixtures , a new floor and new cabinets. I am happy to say that with the help ( and love ) of alot of people, I now have a beautiful kitchen. My family has acted like Super -Heroes, swooping in and smashing sheet rock , ripping out the old, and sticking around to build the new. My father has given me a new life. Some how having my own space, making my own decisions , picking out paint colors has given me freedom.Freedom to think.I would have to say  that was one of the worst things about  being abused. The self-doubt abuse causes, it was like a fog on my brain. Having to think of every decision five different ways , because I knew no matter what H would turn it all around.If the decision I made turned out well its because he " let " me make it, and if it  didn't , there would be hell to pay. I think my dad knew this. No matter how much I whined about not wanting him to help me, how he had done so much for me already, my father stayed firm. I was his daughter , and that was that.  My father somehow has been able to see me through the fog. And he knew me being truly on my own would act like a big High Pressure system.

I can't help but wish this band of caped crusaders would have been there 3 years ago. Let me rephrase, would have been there the way I needed. I was sick , emotionally and physically. I acted out, I was crabby and I certainly didn't act the way anyone thought I should have. I drank too much. I went out too much. I cried every day in private, but in public I would tell stories of abuse like I was describing a spa treatment. I was detached to say the least. My family and friends did the best they could. My point is this, they didn't know what to do, I didn't or couldn't know what to do.

But here I am now, sitting in a house that so far has been filled with love and laughter. I am grateful. I am starting to remember how it feels to be okay. I am not the person I was before, hell I didn't like her that much anyway. I am a better , more understanding person. And as I look back over my life I can honestly say I did the best I could given the circumstances. Don't we all?

I can't imagine the thousands of women, who have been abused, and have to deal with what comes with that, usually low or no income, and don't have what I have. Abuse affects everything. Its hard to get a job when you feel worthless, or are fearing for your life. Its hard to be a good parent , when you are in need of a parent yourself. Abusers alienate everyone around there victims. It s a lonely , scary place to be. I am so fortunate, and the only thing I can try to do ( however not as well as I would like most days) is to stop the cycle and raise children that are respectful. In order to do that though, I need to be respectful. I am trying. I am a work in progress, just like my new house. And just like my new house I have been transformed by the help and love of my family.

Anger

I am an angry person. Sometimes it consumes me.I can feel it building in my stomach , and it oozes out of my pores. My anger creates an invisible ,but palpable energy field around me.My children might not see it with their eyes but they know when my " shields " are up. This is the thing I am most ashamed of. When my mood swings this way , my kids literally say " Have you been talking to Dad? Please don't talk to him." They used to try to hide my phone.When it is at it's worst , I yell at my kids. Completely rage. I look for things wrong so I have something to scream about.  Unfortunately, I cant blame everything on H. I am responsible for my actions.

The reason I get so angry isn't because of the place I 'm at in my life. I will be okay, my kids will be okay. I feel denied of the anger I should of had then. When I was in a ball on the floor after H abused me, when I was crying at Wal-Mart because of H's cruelty. It keeps coming up and has no where to go. It hits me at the strangest times. One day I was at a jewelery store to see if they could fix some old earrings .It  happened to be Wedding Day Jewelers. There was a man there who was very  excited to propose to his future wife.I looked around, surrounded by wedding rings. My whole body felt sick, I had a sudden desire to just get OUT of there. When I got to  my car I was shaking. It meant so much to me to be married, it was my whole life.The combination of H never asking me to marry him( he said , "If you still want to get married, okay" and shrugged his shoulders) the fact we had to sell my wedding ring because we needed the money and the reality that my marriage is really over was too much. At first I thought I was sad. And then I realized I was angry.

H does not appreciate my anger. He feels I need to get over it. He feels he gave me a great life that I never appreciated. Recently I have expressed my frustration  about his parenting. In my opinion he treats our children like toys. When he wants to play with them, they should be there. When he doesn't feel like playing they should be on the shelf , sitting quietly. His job, friends and girlfriends have always  come before the needs of my kids. The first year we were broken up he didn't give them one bath, or wash their clothes one time. Now he has decided he want to be a good father. I am concerned it won't last. We were arguing the other day and I said some things I shouldn't have Not because they were wrong, because they just don't  matter any more. I said he always chose work over our family. He said his work gave us a great life in NC and I enjoyed the fruits of his labor. Great Life? I Enjoyed?  H was so controlling with every penny. I didn't grocery shop by myself, I didn't pick out my own clothes. He would brag to people that I could buy whatever I wanted, that he wasn't controlling. Technically he was right. I had the physical ability to buy things. But emotionally, the repercussions were usually enough to keep me in line. I guess not having any  freedom and getting beaten up are his ideas of a great life.

It is this disconnect that makes me angry. H's accounts of the past, - yes he abused me, but he has apologized.What do I want his blood? No he shouldn't of hurt me, but I have hurt him too. I had everything I ever wanted ( not sure why he thinks that , since he never asked me what I wanted!) why am I complaining. The truth is when we lost all our money  and H's business wasn't successful, I actually thought it would humble him. I actually thought maybe he would come back to earth. He didn't . I am angry. I am angry at H. I am angry at myself.
 I know how to fix it. Quit trying to get something from H that he can't give me. He will never justify my feelings.

But I finally realize that doesn't mean they're not justified.

I don't want to be angry any more. It is eating me alive.  I think I am waiting for something. Permission maybe? Permission to be happy, to let go. Maybe ,I feel like if I let it go what happened won't matter. I feel like a crime was committed and no one got punished. Like I'm standing on a street corner screaming " That man stole my purse, that man stole my purse! " and every one walks on by.Not only walks by , but pats the man on the back. I want him punished. But I am really just punishing myself.

Fetal Position

Compared to alot of women, I had it pretty good. I never had black eyes, I never had broken bones. The ambulance never took me away. My husband is about 6'3 , 240 lbs. I am about 5'3 , 120 lbs. He liked to kick.He liked to throw. He never punched me. Maybe that's part of the reason I wasn't sure I was being abused .Long before there were bruises, there was pushing and shoving. And truth be told, at the beginning of our relationship  I pushed him too. I would slam doors, I would slap him when he wouldn't let go of me. One day it occurred to  me I should stop. I remember thinking that if the situation ever escalated, because on some level I knew it would, I wanted a clear conscience. I wanted to be able to say " I didn't touch him."  And almost on cue, that's when the first real incidence happened. In a hotel , after a friends wedding. We were walking to our hotel from the bar arm in arm and laughing, but H was strange all night and I was scared.We said good bye to our friends , and H seemed okay. At least to anyone but me. An old friend from high school had said he had a crush on me 15 years before. Once inside the hotel room , things got ugly quick. I remember H saying " Why would he have a crush on you? No one would have a crush on you, He was just making his girlfriend jealous".

 I was  nervous to go to the wedding to begin with. It was H's friends,  not mine. Young Chiropractors who thought they were important. They were all doing very well financially. They all knew I used to work at McDonald's and never let me forget it. H and I had recently had our first son. I gained alot of weight during the pregnancy, and worked extremely hard to lose it before the wedding. The attention I received was nice for me, not so nice for H.

First move , grab me by the arms , squeeze like a python and shake.His first move turned out to be very consistent over the years. If you  ever see a woman with bruises on her upper arm, I would worry. Its a strange place to have a bruise unless someone put it there.Second move, throw me. Off the bed, on the bed, into a dresser. Once I would land somewhere I would curl up in a ball .I would try to cover my face , and protect my head. The first time this happened, I thought once he saw me cowering in a ball on the floor he would stop. Instead of stopping , my back became a target. For his foot.Again and again.  I of course was crying and screaming " Please stop, Please stop!"  And of course ,I was begging for forgiveness. " I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Sometimes I would stay in the fetal position for a long time, waiting for him to cool down. Sometimes he would pick me up while I was still in that position and move me to the bed. I felt like a turtle, safe inside my own little world. My shirt was usually soaked with tears, snot and wetness all over. My hair matted to my red and puffy face.Sometimes , he would try to unravel me, but I  would stay stiff like a statue.  And when it was over, it really had just begun. The sex to prove I loved him. The coldness for days because I had hurt his feelings. After the first time, we had a two hour drive back home. I cried  the whole way, begging him to forgive me, I don't remember what for. It was summer in NC ,short sleeve weather.  My mind was racing, how would I do this?? I remember being so thankful I had brought a long sleeve sweatshirt . It would cover the bruises on my arms.The bruises on my back no one would see, I just wouldn't go swimming. There was a babysitter at home, and I remember being almost happy . Happy and proud that no one would know. Proud of the fact we had a secret between us. I felt I had accomplished something when the baby sitter  had asked why I had a sweatshirt on   and I simply told her I had been chilled in the air conditioning. See ,,, I could be a good wife. I became a liar that day. And I stayed a liar for a long , long time.

 Some years later I needed to have a spinal tap. "Fetal position please. " the Doctor said. My body knew what to do. Brace , hang on, it would soon be over. I still can't get in that position without shaking. They thought I might have MS , or a brain tumor. But seriously the most traumatic thing I went through that day was the position I was in. Lying there , still and waiting for the pain. Too much. The scariest thing H ever did to me was the day the fetal position didn't work anymore. And he said " No, your not hiding your face from me. "  I had fingerprints on my neck and jaw from where he grabbed me.

Funny, no one noticed.

Ultimate control,,,,money

This is kind of a long complicated story. I will try to compress....

H (and I ) used to own  a very successful Chiropractic Office in NC. I worked there occasionally, but even though I had over 10 years of management experience , hiring ,giving performance reviews, setting goals, etc. I had very limited input. I was raising 3 kids , so I tried not to let it bother me that even if I had the tiniest suggestion H would do the exact opposite thing. We moved back to MN about 3 years ago to be near our family. H (and I ) opened up another Chiropractic office in MN. We hired a nanny , and I went to work full time. We fought . Alot. He would fight my ideas even if they were the right thing to do. H got arrested 4 months after  we opened. Long story short, the business failed.

H decided to open up an office in another location with a partner. During this time , I filed for divorce. Then we got back together. H and his partner moved locations again. There business did OK, but not well enough for H to pay the house payment. We got deeper and deeper into debt. We broke up and got back together , I honestly don't even know how many times. Several. Without telling me , H dissolved his partnership with his business partner. He did this only on paper. They were still functioning as partners, with H doing most of the work. But without legal ties, H legally did not show much income. Fast forward to this summer. H and I were together, barely. My mother was terminally ill. My friend owned a teeth whitening business in another city. She told me it would be a great job for me, I could set my own hours and own my own business. H and I discussed  it would be great for our family to have the extra income, and give me something to feel good about. H started texting and calling my friend without my knowledge. H was asking alot of detailed questions about what was intented to be my business.

We started to have alot of  conversations with my friend. It seemed like something I really wanted to do, I was excited to have something of my own. I talked to my dad about borrowing money. H and I decided since his business wasn't doing well with his partner, he and I would share a space, he would do Chiropractic , I would do teeth whitening. We even negotiated a lease. During this time we found out our house was being foreclosed on. We started really going through our financials and realized we could not get out of the mountain of debt having a failing business created. We decided to declare bankruptcy. Our  joint business venture would have to wait. We couldn't open a new business until the bankruptcy was over. It would take about 3 months. Some time during all of this my mother passed away. I'm not sure the exact timing , it was all a blur.

H was not happy about waiting to open the business. In fact he was rather unhappy. He wanted me to have my father just put it in his name until everything was clear. I said no, we could just wait, it would give us time to prepare. I should of seen the wheels turning in his head. H wants what he wants. H sold  the idea of teeth whitening to his business partner, who was technically his boss, since H had no legal claim to the practice anymore. They decided to do it in their office. Without asking me or telling me. He kept it from me for I don't know how long. I think the equipment had already been ordered before I found out. I was very angry when I found out, one of the conditions of H being back at the house was no more lying. He had lied a million times so I didn't find out he had stabbed me in the back. My dream of having something of my own was gone. Not only that , but if the  business was successful the profits wouldn't even be ours.

H claimed he was just thinking of our family, we needed to make more money. H claimed I could still open my own business someday, that it didn't matter if we were direct competition.When I asked H if I could help him do teeth whitening at his office, since I didn't have a job, and he needed help, his response was NO. His business partner didn't want me in their office.  H had moved out again, I made it clear I did not want to break up, and I would not date anyone or get involved in any way with any other man, and he agreed he would do the same.I actually forgave him, and we were going to try to work it out again. Until the night my 12 year old was upset with H , and said " You only care about your girlfriend!"
Of course I rose to H's defense, " That was along time ago, when Mom and Dad were getting divorced , Dad doesn't have a girlfriend now"  to which my son said " Oh yeah,, then why did we go to a movie with her and her 3 kids 2 days ago?"

 Fast forward to today, I'm moving out of my foreclosed house. H s teeth whitening business just made $17,000 in one day off an add they placed on the Internet. H s business partner isn't even in this state, he left H to run everything. And when I asked if H if he would be able to give me more money this month because I have proof his business is working, his response  " I didn't make any money, I'm just an employee." Also , he is telling people my friends company trained him!!! Lie , lie , lie......

So the moral of this really long , somewhat boring story is this. H didn't really want a teeth whitening business, H did not want me to have my own business. So he stole my idea for a business to help our family , and now hes saying it wont even help our family. We had decided he would take the kids on Wednesday nights and of course something came up so he couldn't, ( he was very busy at work, NOT making any money ) , and now he thinks he should be able to take them Saturday, because they're like toys for him to play with. I feel like I am fighting King Kong, he knows how to play the system and is always one step ahead of me. I need to get a lawyer involved, because he thinks he only has to give me money when he wants to. He is alot of things , but stupid isn't one of them. He will just tell his "partner" how much income he wants to show. And that's what my child support will be based on. I understand he hates me, why does he want to hurt our kids?  Its not like I'm getting manicures, I'm buying groceries.This is why abused women don't leave.
You have to weigh the pain. Which will be worse?? Getting abused and sharing a house, or getting abused and being completely and utterly alone??

 Honestly, I'm not sure yet........

I'm sorry for the rambling today, I'm just amazed at how many ways someone can hurt you.......