Renovations

I haven't written for a while. I have been busy moving into the new house. And doing construction.My new house had a small enclosed , dark kitchen. So I decided to take a wall down. What I should of realized is taking the wall down led to a new ceiling , new light fixtures , a new floor and new cabinets. I am happy to say that with the help ( and love ) of alot of people, I now have a beautiful kitchen. My family has acted like Super -Heroes, swooping in and smashing sheet rock , ripping out the old, and sticking around to build the new. My father has given me a new life. Some how having my own space, making my own decisions , picking out paint colors has given me freedom.Freedom to think.I would have to say  that was one of the worst things about  being abused. The self-doubt abuse causes, it was like a fog on my brain. Having to think of every decision five different ways , because I knew no matter what H would turn it all around.If the decision I made turned out well its because he " let " me make it, and if it  didn't , there would be hell to pay. I think my dad knew this. No matter how much I whined about not wanting him to help me, how he had done so much for me already, my father stayed firm. I was his daughter , and that was that.  My father somehow has been able to see me through the fog. And he knew me being truly on my own would act like a big High Pressure system.

I can't help but wish this band of caped crusaders would have been there 3 years ago. Let me rephrase, would have been there the way I needed. I was sick , emotionally and physically. I acted out, I was crabby and I certainly didn't act the way anyone thought I should have. I drank too much. I went out too much. I cried every day in private, but in public I would tell stories of abuse like I was describing a spa treatment. I was detached to say the least. My family and friends did the best they could. My point is this, they didn't know what to do, I didn't or couldn't know what to do.

But here I am now, sitting in a house that so far has been filled with love and laughter. I am grateful. I am starting to remember how it feels to be okay. I am not the person I was before, hell I didn't like her that much anyway. I am a better , more understanding person. And as I look back over my life I can honestly say I did the best I could given the circumstances. Don't we all?

I can't imagine the thousands of women, who have been abused, and have to deal with what comes with that, usually low or no income, and don't have what I have. Abuse affects everything. Its hard to get a job when you feel worthless, or are fearing for your life. Its hard to be a good parent , when you are in need of a parent yourself. Abusers alienate everyone around there victims. It s a lonely , scary place to be. I am so fortunate, and the only thing I can try to do ( however not as well as I would like most days) is to stop the cycle and raise children that are respectful. In order to do that though, I need to be respectful. I am trying. I am a work in progress, just like my new house. And just like my new house I have been transformed by the help and love of my family.

Anger

I am an angry person. Sometimes it consumes me.I can feel it building in my stomach , and it oozes out of my pores. My anger creates an invisible ,but palpable energy field around me.My children might not see it with their eyes but they know when my " shields " are up. This is the thing I am most ashamed of. When my mood swings this way , my kids literally say " Have you been talking to Dad? Please don't talk to him." They used to try to hide my phone.When it is at it's worst , I yell at my kids. Completely rage. I look for things wrong so I have something to scream about.  Unfortunately, I cant blame everything on H. I am responsible for my actions.

The reason I get so angry isn't because of the place I 'm at in my life. I will be okay, my kids will be okay. I feel denied of the anger I should of had then. When I was in a ball on the floor after H abused me, when I was crying at Wal-Mart because of H's cruelty. It keeps coming up and has no where to go. It hits me at the strangest times. One day I was at a jewelery store to see if they could fix some old earrings .It  happened to be Wedding Day Jewelers. There was a man there who was very  excited to propose to his future wife.I looked around, surrounded by wedding rings. My whole body felt sick, I had a sudden desire to just get OUT of there. When I got to  my car I was shaking. It meant so much to me to be married, it was my whole life.The combination of H never asking me to marry him( he said , "If you still want to get married, okay" and shrugged his shoulders) the fact we had to sell my wedding ring because we needed the money and the reality that my marriage is really over was too much. At first I thought I was sad. And then I realized I was angry.

H does not appreciate my anger. He feels I need to get over it. He feels he gave me a great life that I never appreciated. Recently I have expressed my frustration  about his parenting. In my opinion he treats our children like toys. When he wants to play with them, they should be there. When he doesn't feel like playing they should be on the shelf , sitting quietly. His job, friends and girlfriends have always  come before the needs of my kids. The first year we were broken up he didn't give them one bath, or wash their clothes one time. Now he has decided he want to be a good father. I am concerned it won't last. We were arguing the other day and I said some things I shouldn't have Not because they were wrong, because they just don't  matter any more. I said he always chose work over our family. He said his work gave us a great life in NC and I enjoyed the fruits of his labor. Great Life? I Enjoyed?  H was so controlling with every penny. I didn't grocery shop by myself, I didn't pick out my own clothes. He would brag to people that I could buy whatever I wanted, that he wasn't controlling. Technically he was right. I had the physical ability to buy things. But emotionally, the repercussions were usually enough to keep me in line. I guess not having any  freedom and getting beaten up are his ideas of a great life.

It is this disconnect that makes me angry. H's accounts of the past, - yes he abused me, but he has apologized.What do I want his blood? No he shouldn't of hurt me, but I have hurt him too. I had everything I ever wanted ( not sure why he thinks that , since he never asked me what I wanted!) why am I complaining. The truth is when we lost all our money  and H's business wasn't successful, I actually thought it would humble him. I actually thought maybe he would come back to earth. He didn't . I am angry. I am angry at H. I am angry at myself.
 I know how to fix it. Quit trying to get something from H that he can't give me. He will never justify my feelings.

But I finally realize that doesn't mean they're not justified.

I don't want to be angry any more. It is eating me alive.  I think I am waiting for something. Permission maybe? Permission to be happy, to let go. Maybe ,I feel like if I let it go what happened won't matter. I feel like a crime was committed and no one got punished. Like I'm standing on a street corner screaming " That man stole my purse, that man stole my purse! " and every one walks on by.Not only walks by , but pats the man on the back. I want him punished. But I am really just punishing myself.